Greedy Little Bitches

Having insomnia means staying up all night staring bleary-eyed at the television watching a variety of Nostradamus end of the world shows or perhaps an animal planet special on naked mole rats. Last night was a Snapped marathon. SCORE! For those of you who do not know, Snapped is a documentary show about women who...well, snap and kill people (usually their husbands.) Now these women are usually motivated by one of two things; their husbands cheating or money. Now slicing and dicing your cheating husband I can understand. I don't condone it...but I understand. However, what I cannot wrap my head around is someone who will kill for money. I just don't get it. I can honestly say I have had to battle with every deadly sin, every deadly sin except greed that is. I don't know. As long as I can pay my bills, see a movie and go out to eat occasionally, and take a vacation once a year I really don't care about money. I could live off 20,000 a year and be perfectly content. Maybe even 15,000 depending on the city I'm living in. But I guess some people are just so consumed with having the best of the best of everything that they're willing to take someone's life to get it. This is often the case in Snapped. Example: one woman killed her husband because he couldn't afford to get her breast implants. Yup. Breast implants. So, she killed him and took the insurance money and got her some boobies. Another woman was on her fifth husband who was a handsome, young fire chief who would do anything for her and she killed him for the insurance money. HELLO!?!? Poor or not it would be worth keeping the bastard around just so he could do little strip dances in his uniform. Mmmmmmmm. Stripping firemen. Yummy. *Stares off dreamily* Ahem. But back to the point. Women can be some greedy little bitches and that's fine as long as they set about getting their money by their own work and merit instead of marrying a man or killing one for money. Let me tell you something, ladies. Money isn't worth killing for and it's not worth marrying for either. Believe me. You are going to need a lot more than money to make a hell hole, cluster fuck arangement like marriage work. *shudders at the idea of marriage*

Now very rarely will a woman kill her husband for the insurance money and those who would I doubt will be disuaded by a piddly little essay I write. So, I will focus my attention on women who marry for money. WAAAAAAAAY more common unfortunately. And not entirely our fault either. Most of us are raised to look for a man who will be able to provide well for us. Even today women make less than men. The reasoning for this is that companies expect a man to be supporting the woman so why does she need a big paycheck? This is proof that sexism is still prevalent today and it keeps women in the dark ages of seeking a wealthy man to take care of them. I have a friend who has told me on several occasions that he is going to raise his daughter to look for a rich guy to marry and take care of her. My response, "Um...why not raise a daughter to get a good education so she can take care of herself?" Another friend of mine admitted that she wanted to marry a rich man so she could just be a housewife. My response (a blabber-mouth like me always has one), "Why in the hell would you want to be a housewife? Why would you choose that existence?" She explained to me that it is her dream to take care of the home and the children and, mneh, if that's what she wants so be it. To each their own. However, for you ladies out there who dream of being a housewife I urge you to have a back up plan if things go awry. Never put yourself in a situation that you can't find a way out of. If you're just a housewife and your husband decides to cheat on you or beat you you're going to find it a lot harder to leave his ass than you would if you had a career yourself. NEVER, EVER depend on a man. Depending on a man is the equivalent to depending on a pinto to get you from let's say New York to California. It just ain't gonna happen, ladies. You're fooling yourselves.

Now, ladies, I'm not telling you to throw all standards out the window and start dating the 35 year old fry cook at the Burger King. Ambition and drive say a lot about character but don't pass up on a great guy just because he doesn't make at least a 6 figure salary. As long as he has goals and drive to attain those goals give him a chance. Especially if he is a 6 foot tall fireman with rippling muscles and a devilish come hither twinkle in his eye. Mmmmmm. Yes, sir, Mr. Fireman. I'll help you with your hose anyday.

I'm in Mourning For My Life

What a title, eh? Don't ya just love Chekhov? Yeah. Me neither. But it is a good line I must admit and as emo as it is, sometimes it is necessary to be in mourning for what has transpired in our lives. People are all too often eager to bypass any type of mourning or period of reflection that may cause them sadness. And that is a natural and understandable desire. However, it is also an unwise course of action. Running from our past is no way to live. Trying to forget heartaches is futile. That's not to say one should just wallow in their misery but they do need to take a moment to think on where they've been, where they are, and where they are going.

I love analogies. I'm very Jesus that way. Therefore, allow me to paint you a clearer picture of what I am talking about. Heartache is like a bunch of shit scattered throughout the house. (I'm a cussing Jesus by the way.) Some of the junk you need to throw out, some of it you need to just find a place for. But as you look about the house you are bewildered with even the thought of this task, much less the actual act of carrying it out. So, you think to yourself, "Why go through the hassle of organizing this stuff when I can just shove it in the closet?" Sounds like a good idea, right? So you shove the junk in the closet and you look about your nice, clean house and go, "Ahhhh. Lovely." Then a few months pass and before you know it the house is a wreck AGAIN! So, what do you do? You shove that shit into the closet too. And you keep doing this until finally it becomes harder and harder to shove stuff in there. Before you know it that closet door is looking like it's about to burst open any minute. And then finally it does. And you've got a big pile of shit in the hallway that you are now FORCED to sort through whether you like it or not, whether you're ready to or not. Moral of the story- when the house is dirty, clean it properly. Don't just hide the clutter away. Likewise, when you're in pain don't try to ignore the heartache. You've just got to grow a pair and sort through the bullshit. It sucks but there it is.

Now I write a lot of rants and raves and some of them are from personal experience and others are from events I've witnessed in the lives of others. This particular essay though I must confess is from personal experience. In the past year I have gone through some romantic disappointments and rather than sit my ass down and grieve like I should have I proceeded to jump from one relationship to another cause you can't cry over an ex if you're crazy about your current boyfriend now, can you? But eventually there will come a time where you will have to be alone with your thoughts and that's when the shit will hit the fan, folks! Just like the person who has a year's worth of junk cascading out of the closet, you now have a series of old relationship heartbreaks to get over. Congrats, Rebound Rita! You get to cry over a series of boyfriends all at once! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! As I described it to my friend Amelia.....

Boyfriend X uppercut me and sent me sprawling onto the ground. Boyfriend Y then proceeded to walk over and stomp on me. Then Boyfriend Z thought it in good taste to walk by, stop, look down at me, spit on me, then go on his merry way. And there I am in the dirt beaten, bruised, and weeping with a loogie glistening on my tear-stained face. Oh, joy.

Amelia disagreed, however. Her version of events is thus...

Boyfriend X shoves me out of our cozy tree house and after hitting every wrathful branch on the way down I am nothing but a crumpled mass in the dirt. Then Boyfriend Y approaches me, helps me up, and leads me to his car under the pretense of whisking me away to safety. But wait! Just as he opens the door to usher me into the car he pushes me into the road, jumps into the car, and drives over me. As Boyfriend Y speeds away into the sunset cackling maniacally Boyfriend Z walks by, stops, looks down at me, spits, then goes on his merry may. And there I am in the dirt, bruised, covered in tire tracks, and weeping with a loogie glistening on my tear-stained face.

Whatever version, it's not a pretty picture. Both leave me having to get over a series of consecutive injuries all at once...and a loogie on my face. Gross.

Now I am not doing a sob story here. If anything this is a story of caution and hope. Caution: Do not do the rebound thing. Hope: You'll get over it. I know there might be someone out there reading this who is going through a heartbreak and flinging them self on the bed right now going, "I'll never get over them! NEVER! NEVER! EVER!" And if I was there right now I'd pat you on your silly, melodramatic head and go, "There, there, dumbass. You will." How do I know? Because I've been there and I'm getting over it. I had a boyfriend once who did some shady stuff while I was with him and I remember not being able to sleep because I was so afraid that he had slept with this one girl. I would get sick to my stomach, cry and just basically obsess over the idea of him and this other female. Needless to say we broke up. Recently this guy has entered my life after several years, apologized and offered to come clean about anything I wish to know. And you know what? This girl who would lose sleep, get sick, obsess over this guy's possible betrayals didn't give a damn to ask. That's not to say I don't wish this person the best but I am over the heartbreak and could care less whether he cheated or not. Don't scoff! One day you won't give a damn either. You might even find yourself being happy for your ex. Yeah. Weird, huh? But it's the truth. Just a few days ago I witnessed one of my exes with his girlfriend and couldn't help but genuinely smile and go, "Awww. They're a sweet couple." I know! WTF! But I have found that time heals all wounds, that it's silly to harbor anger, and forgiveness is a key ingredient to a......Happiness Cake......um.....yeah...So, my weepy boys and girls go ahead and have your cry, learn your lessons, forgive, and you will be able to let go. I promise. Believe me, if I wasn't speaking the truth I so would have been featured on an episode of Snapped by now. *Knock on wood*

All's Fair in Love and War

How often have we heard the term “Man Code”? Quite often, right, ladies? We’re not entirely sure of what it is. The majority of my friends are men and I still have barely scratched the surface. I know part of it dictates that a man not ever date his friend’s ex and that a man never sleep with his friend’s girlfriend. I think all that falls under the bros before hos chapter in the Man Code right after the chapter about bathroom etiquette. But this is about all I know of this secret codex of testosterone.

Women find this whole Man Code quite perplexing because, to be quite honest, we never thought men complex enough to devote time to establishing rules and regulations when it comes to moderating behavior. And while men have chosen to be complex in this area of their lives women decided to go super simple for once and enforce only one law to abide by: All’s fair in love and war. Which quite frankly, ladies is bullshit! Pure unadulterated bullshit. So much of our problems are due to this brazen display of self-interest and dishonor fueled by our feminine ego. Because of our inability to stand up for one another and care about the feelings of our fellow sisters we have made ourselves vulnerable to harm from men who might do us ill. While we should be standing up for and defending our fellow ladies, we madly scramble to get whatever we covet and to Hell with whoever stands in our path. In a way we are very much like the Native American tribes who instead of banding together to fight the white man, thought it would be a good idea to fight and kill each other. Needless to say, we know how that strategy turned out for them. If you don’t know, go ask one…oh, wait. The vast majority of them are dead so good luck finding one.

The most common incident where the “All’s fair in love and war” bullshit occurs is when a woman sees a man she really likes and…oh, wait he has a girlfriend. Now this is the part of the story where the girl should go, “Oh, well. I guess it wasn’t meant to be” and go on her merry way. But nay. Instead the girl eyes the taken man covetously and in her best super villain impersonation says, “So, he has a girlfriend? Not for long.” Then cackles maniacally. Okay. So, I’m being melodramatic but you get the picture. The girl then goes on a quest to steal the other’s girl man. Now, I’m a firm believer in the, “If you can take him, you can have him.” So, fear of me losing my man is not what this article is about. What this article is about is for women to sit back and realize the harm they do to others. We’ve all been cheated on and if you haven’t just wait. It will happen. That’s life. Now for those of you who have been cheated on think back on how it felt when you found out and for those of you who haven’t just imagine it. Remember the rush of blood to your head. Remember the aching in your heart. Yes! Your heart actually aches! You clutch your chest in a feeble attempt to make it stop but it’s no use. You begin to cry. And you cry. And you cry. And you cry. You cry until you start dry heaving. Perhaps you even puke. And then you cry more and more and more. You cry so hard and for so long that your eye lids swell up and you can barely even see to find the tissues. Now do you really want to be part of the reason for a girl to go through this? Do you really want that kind of karma following you around? Is a dumbass man really worth it? To some of you, it might be. And if guilt isn’t enough to sway you from pursuing a man that’s already taken maybe this bit of common sense I’m about to deliver to you will. Ready? Here it goes. If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you. Now there are exceptions to this rule. I for one know a couple that started from an extra-marital affair and they married and after 20 something years are still happy. But they are in the minority. Most likely your turn to cry until you puke and are declared temporarily blind from swollen eye lids will come. And don’t be surprised when it happens. You should’ve known what you were getting yourself into. And for those ladies out there who only saw the taken man as a conquest for a night, well, you’ve shared your body and bed with the kind of man who would cheat so he’s obviously defected in some way so…….congratulations? I mean, really, where is the victory in that? You just scored with a piece of shit. Woo hoo! You go, girl!

For the girl who has been cheated on or fears that she might be cheated on my advice is for her to embrace it. If he cheated it’s a good thing you found out what a no count asshole he is. And quite frankly, ladies, sometimes it takes another woman for you and your man to realize that the relationship has run its course. It sucks but it’s true. So, let it go and find someone who is better for you. I know it can be hard to do but at times it is for the best. Furthermore, instead of trying to keep your men from tempting situations, throw them into them, ladies. Test them. It will show you where you truly stand. I remember an incident where I was at a party with a boyfriend and wanted to go home but he didn’t so I arranged another ride for him and left him there. Yeah there was a chance he could have hooked up with a girl at that party but just as I was getting into my car to leave who comes running up to me going, “Wait! Wait!” My boyfriend. And I knew where I stood and I was very pleased.

Now I doubt that this article has made a difference. Our selfish code has been driven so hard into our heads for so long it is difficult to shake. Some good friends of mine have been the other woman before and they are by no means terrible people. It’s just that fucking code! THAT CODE! Argh! So, I do hope you ladies will take time to think on what I have said and at least attempt to avoid pursuing a man that is already taken. And if you do not, if you instead wish to continue proclaiming, “All’s fair in love and war”…well, then let’s you and I put on a play. Here. Your face can be Hiroshima and my fist can be Little Boy. BAM! BAM! POW! SMACK! THUD! And scene.