Um...WHAT!?!?!?!

Hypocrites. The subject of today's rant. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that hypocrites are members of society that everyone generally despises. What's to like? They're individuals who go around sowing seeds of slander and suffering whilst going about doing whatever they please. Assholes.

Now I understand it's near impossible to not form an opinion of others. It's as natural as breathing though under the spiritual counseling of Sarah Ingier I have tried to take the approach of having a preference rather than making a judgement. For example, "I would prefer that a certain friend not have stolen my Heart of the Ocean." Not "If I ever find out who stole my Heart of the Ocean I'm going to kill that lying, stealing motherfucker and send them straight to Hell where they belong." Though that may be a more exciting and interesting approach it's not neccesarily the most healthy. So, do not think that I expect people to not form an opinion of others. However, they can sure as hell keep their mouth shut and look to their own business. There are exceptions to this but they involve looking to yourself first.

An example to illustrate my point. One of my exes' girlfriends once told my friend that I was a slut and she assumed this because of how I dressed. Well, of course being a good friend he immediately told her to shut her mouth and that I wasn't a slut. I didn't confront her on this because I know she doesn't know me very well and personally I have bigger fish to fry and God only knows the lies my ex has told her. However, today I was informed by a friend that this girl who had the nerve to call me a slut has a certain recreational activity that involves her going up to guys at parties and saying, "I don't want anything to come of this. I just want to suck you off." And she recently left my ex for another man (which can't say that I blame her there) but here's the kicker- she's not just having sex with this guy, she's having a threesome with him and some other chick. And I'm the whore? Um...WHAT!?!?! (See title) What right has a constant cock sucking, threesome-having individual have to call me a whore just because I like to dress a certain way? I've said this in rants before and I'll say it again: I've only ever kissed 6 guys in my entire life so you can imagine how low the number is concerning other things if I'm that picky who I kiss. Furthermore, if you're a girl and you're going to have a threesome make it two guys and Eiffel Tower away. I mean, if you're going to participate in such a scandalous act do it right. Then again, I can see where it would be nice to have someone in the bedroom for once, besides yourself, that can find the clitoris. But I can't see the appeal two women would have for a man. Now instead of one disatisfied woman he can have two. But I guess that's what the extra girl is there for. To do what most men are completely useless at- giving a woman pleasure.

I'm not entirely certain what the point of this rant is except to say don't be like that bitch. Don't be a little hypocrital cunt. Wait. Excuse me. Prefer, April. Don't judge. *deep breath* I would prefer that you not be a hypocritical cunt. There. Better. Sarah would be so proud.

The HPV Strains Are Coming to Get You, Barbara! Look! Here Comes One of Them Now!

HPV. We've been hearing a lot about it. I've been going through my series of Gardasil shots under the recommendation of my gynecologist lately to prevent getting it. As the vaccine coursed through my arm creating a searing pain and a soreness that lasted all day I began to wonder what I was exactly trying to prevent. I mean, yeah, HPV but what exactly is HPV? I only knew the basics like it can cause cervical cancer but that's it. So, I thought it'd be a good idea to find out and when I did I thought, "Hmmm. Perhaps I should share my discoveries with my fellow possibly clueless ladies." So. Here goes. HPV education for dummies.

What is HPV?
A very common virus that can be passed from person to person usually through sexual contact.

How common?
Like 3 in 4 sexually active people will get at least one strain in their lifetime common.

What?! At least one strain? How many strains are there?
Um...like over 100.

Over 100?!?!
Yeah, but only about 40 types can affect the genitalia of a man or woman.

Only 40, eh? Well, that's okay then. *thick sarcasm* And it's passed through sex?
Yes. Vaginal and anal...and oral...and genital to genital contact.

That's a wily virus. So, being a virgin won't save you then?
Nope.

So that saying that abstinence is the only 100% way to prevent an STD...?
Is bullshit when it comes to HPV.

Well, at least with sex one can just wear a condom and-
Condoms don't protect you 100% from HPV.

Well, condoms aren't 100% on anything but-
Right but it's especially not too helpful with HPV because the virus can survive on the outside of the vagina or on the scrotum of a man. There has been debate among doctors whether condoms help at all. Last I heard they were saying it does help but that's it. It just helps. So, keep wearing condoms but don't put 100% faith in them.

Well, is there a test to give your partner to see if they have it?
A pap test for women but no test for men.

What about that vaccine....uh...Gardasil?
Yup. It protects you but only from 4 strains out of the 40.

FUCK!
Yeah. Two types that cause the most cases of warts and-

Warts? What! Warts?
Yeah. Some strains can cause warts.

UGH! What about the other two strains Gardasil protects you from?
Those two strains cause the most cases of cervical cancer.

AHHHHHHHHH! Cancer?!?!
Yup.

And since men don't have a cervix they're not affected by this at all?
Well, some HPV strains in very rare cases can cause cancer of the penis or anus but very rarely do men get cancer from HPV.

So, they are practically unaffected by HPV?
Pretty much the vast majority of the time. And there's no way yet to test a man to see if he is carrying it. So, in a way it's like men have water balloons filled with HPV and they're running around throwing them at women screaming, "Tag! You got HPV!" They're working on getting a vaccine for men. In fact, some men are getting the Gardasil shot but there's a lot of debate still on this.

This is just awful. It's like there's nothing I can do to stop from getting it! All I can do is lower the odds. And that's something I guess but jeez. I'm probably going to get warts, cancer, or both it looks like.
Well, warts can be removed and only 1% of sexually active adults have genital warts at any given time in America so it's not that common. And cancer, well, cervical cancer isn't that common either. There are about 12,000 women each year that get cervical cancer. Nothing to sneeze at but nothing that's dangerously looming either. Furthermore, cervical cancer develops over a long time. A pap will usually detect abnormal cells to alert you. These cells can become precancerous but even if they do these changes in cells rarely result in cancer. In fact, in 90% of HPV cases the body's immune system will clear the virus naturally making the individual immune to that strain from then on.

90%! So,...the odds of me getting cancer from HPV are slim you're saying?
Pretty much.

Then why even tell me about HPV in the first place and freak me the fuck out?
Because 99% of cervical cancer is believed to be caused by HPV.

Oh.
Yeah.

Well, I guess one should keep an eye on HPV then.
Absolutely. And in case you do get it one day-

Which I probably will.
There's no need to fall to pieces. There's no need to put yourself down. And if you hear of someone who has HPV don't look down on them or treat them like they have the plague. Remember. While you're on your high horse you might have had it at one point in your life already or you might get it one day yourself. Hell, you might have it right now. HPV is not something limited to promiscuous people only. It can't be when a virgin can get it. HPV is simply a virus that can sometimes give you genital warts and make you more likely than before you had it to get cervical cancer. Just wear a condom and get the vaccine and limiting your sexual partners never hurt anyone either.

*******
Disclaimer: I'm no doctor so to make sure you have the absolute facts do your own research. My essay comes from research I did from these websites http://www.acog.org/publications/patient_education/bp073.cfm and http://www.cdc.gov/STD/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm just to name a few of my sources. And like all sources sometimes they conflict.

Cold Fish vs. Whore

Okay. No fancy or cutesy wootsy beginning here. I'm just getting straight to it. I am fucking sick and tired of the type of men that beg a woman for sex and then when she finally relents call her a whore for doing so. What is that all about? Seriously, guys. Seriously! What is your problem?!?! I have had so many girls come crying to me victims of this and it just makes me sick to my stomach. Let me tell you something, boys. A girl who decides to care enough about you to share her body and soul with you deserves better than your slander after the relationship has run its course. I mean, you bitch at us when we're not putting out and then when we do and we later break up suddenly we're nasty little hos. I don't get it. I really don't. For one thing, you were there with us so what does that make you? And secondly, when does loving someone and wanting to share something special and extremely intimate with them make you a whore? Furthermore, what really constitutes a whore? Is it by how many guys you make out with, how many guys you've had sex with, whether or not you've cheated, whether you'll have sex with a guy you don't love, WHAT?!?! What really makes someone a whore? I have a friend who is a virgin but she's made out with 20 some guys. I on the other hand am no virgin but have only ever kissed 6 guys in my 24 years. So, who is the bigger whore? Are either of us whores? Don't even bother answering that, guys because personally I've stopped giving a damn what you think of me or my fellow ladies. I am sick of the double standards some of you hold. I am sick of the whining you do when we won't put out. I am sick of the smack you talk about us after we do. Frankly, I'm just sick of YOU! So sick in fact that I think I might just keep my legs crossed for like...EVER! Sound tragic for me? Not really being that my sex life has always had a certain theme song. Care to hear it?

Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

And I'll beat you to the comeback where you say, "No, you can't." And just smile, roll my eyes, and reply, "Yes, I can." Believe me. I can and I don't like that fact anymore than you do.

I Am Not a Man Hater

I am not a man hater. Repeat. I am not a man hater. I know from the articles and plays that I write that it may appear that I hold some seething grudge against men, but I assure you I do not. To be quite honest with you, I love men. I love the way they look, sound, smell, move, talk, etc. etc. I can’t help myself. God really screwed up when he made me. I don’t know what he was doing or thinking when he was in his Build-a-Human Workshop creating me but I have a scenario that I often entertain when pondering this event. Picture it. God is in his Build-a-Human workshop. He decided to create something cute, tiny, adorable, and irresistible to men. He makes her and then he puts her aside and starts working on me. He creates my body and then he begins to add personality ingredients, one of which is a strong sense of sexual morality. This girl, me, God has decided shall be a girl that believes that sex should only occur in the realms of marriage. She shall tremble when a man gets too close and blush when a gentleman winks at her from across the room. Oh, yes. What a sweet, little innocent cherub she shall be. Suddenly God is interrupted by Gabriel blowing his horn and announcing it’s 10 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings. And boy does God love his hot wings. He can’t miss that so quickly he grabs one random ingredient, throws it into this sweet, pure little girl, proclaims her complete and runs off to enjoy some Mango Habanero wings. Now this sweet, innocent thing (me) could have handled a lot of things: a “likely to get fat” ingredient, a “fear of aluminum foil” ingredient, even a “love of boy bands” ingredient. But I be damned if he didn’t throw in the “horny as a three-balled tomcat” ingredient. Why, God? WHY?!?!?! Now every day feels like the Smeagol vs. Gollum scene. Thanks a lot, God.

Luckily God was kind enough to add the “prone to extreme guilt” ingredient even though I’m not Jewish so I have been able to keep it together pretty well. Won’t go into too much detail of my sex life but let’s just say I’ve only ever kissed 6 guys in my entire life so as you can see I’m hanging in there. However, when I do get a boyfriend oh my God. I go crazy. I just….ahem. Anyways. Moving on. What I’m trying to get at is due to my extreme love of men and my…above average sex drive I am quite a devoted girlfriend. I cannot tell you how many wonderful opportunities I have passed up for the sake of a man in my life. I didn’t want to go study out of the country because I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I passed up on acting opportunities because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see my boyfriend enough. I even passed up a trip to Hawaii with a sexy, sexy man because I was sooooo in love with my boyfriend. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But what can I say? With my strong sense of sexual morality combined with my cat in heat sex drive I make one hell of a devoted and loving girlfriend and there’s not much I can do about it.

So, you can understand the offense I take when people call me a man hater. Nay, ill-informed reader. I am not a man hater. I am a man lover. Hell, the vast majority of my friends are men. And there is no end to the sacrifices I will make for a man. No end to the loyalty I will show them. No end to my devotion to them. Nay, dear reader. I love men. I adore men. I worship men!......Why else would I hate those motherfuckers so much?

All's Fair in Love and War

How often have we heard the term “Man Code”? Quite often, right, ladies? We’re not entirely sure of what it is. The majority of my friends are men and I still have barely scratched the surface. I know part of it dictates that a man not ever date his friend’s ex and that a man never sleep with his friend’s girlfriend. I think all that falls under the bros before hos chapter in the Man Code right after the chapter about bathroom etiquette. But this is about all I know of this secret codex of testosterone.

Women find this whole Man Code quite perplexing because, to be quite honest, we never thought men complex enough to devote time to establishing rules and regulations when it comes to moderating behavior. And while men have chosen to be complex in this area of their lives women decided to go super simple for once and enforce only one law to abide by: All’s fair in love and war. Which quite frankly, ladies is bullshit! Pure unadulterated bullshit. So much of our problems are due to this brazen display of self-interest and dishonor fueled by our feminine ego. Because of our inability to stand up for one another and care about the feelings of our fellow sisters we have made ourselves vulnerable to harm from men who might do us ill. While we should be standing up for and defending our fellow ladies, we madly scramble to get whatever we covet and to Hell with whoever stands in our path. In a way we are very much like the Native American tribes who instead of banding together to fight the white man, thought it would be a good idea to fight and kill each other. Needless to say, we know how that strategy turned out for them. If you don’t know, go ask one…oh, wait. The vast majority of them are dead so good luck finding one.

The most common incident where the “All’s fair in love and war” bullshit occurs is when a woman sees a man she really likes and…oh, wait he has a girlfriend. Now this is the part of the story where the girl should go, “Oh, well. I guess it wasn’t meant to be” and go on her merry way. But nay. Instead the girl eyes the taken man covetously and in her best super villain impersonation says, “So, he has a girlfriend? Not for long.” Then cackles maniacally. Okay. So, I’m being melodramatic but you get the picture. The girl then goes on a quest to steal the other’s girl man. Now, I’m a firm believer in the, “If you can take him, you can have him.” So, fear of me losing my man is not what this article is about. What this article is about is for women to sit back and realize the harm they do to others. We’ve all been cheated on and if you haven’t just wait. It will happen. That’s life. Now for those of you who have been cheated on think back on how it felt when you found out and for those of you who haven’t just imagine it. Remember the rush of blood to your head. Remember the aching in your heart. Yes! Your heart actually aches! You clutch your chest in a feeble attempt to make it stop but it’s no use. You begin to cry. And you cry. And you cry. And you cry. You cry until you start dry heaving. Perhaps you even puke. And then you cry more and more and more. You cry so hard and for so long that your eye lids swell up and you can barely even see to find the tissues. Now do you really want to be part of the reason for a girl to go through this? Do you really want that kind of karma following you around? Is a dumbass man really worth it? To some of you, it might be. And if guilt isn’t enough to sway you from pursuing a man that’s already taken maybe this bit of common sense I’m about to deliver to you will. Ready? Here it goes. If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you. Now there are exceptions to this rule. I for one know a couple that started from an extra-marital affair and they married and after 20 something years are still happy. But they are in the minority. Most likely your turn to cry until you puke and are declared temporarily blind from swollen eye lids will come. And don’t be surprised when it happens. You should’ve known what you were getting yourself into. And for those ladies out there who only saw the taken man as a conquest for a night, well, you’ve shared your body and bed with the kind of man who would cheat so he’s obviously defected in some way so…….congratulations? I mean, really, where is the victory in that? You just scored with a piece of shit. Woo hoo! You go, girl!

For the girl who has been cheated on or fears that she might be cheated on my advice is for her to embrace it. If he cheated it’s a good thing you found out what a no count asshole he is. And quite frankly, ladies, sometimes it takes another woman for you and your man to realize that the relationship has run its course. It sucks but it’s true. So, let it go and find someone who is better for you. I know it can be hard to do but at times it is for the best. Furthermore, instead of trying to keep your men from tempting situations, throw them into them, ladies. Test them. It will show you where you truly stand. I remember an incident where I was at a party with a boyfriend and wanted to go home but he didn’t so I arranged another ride for him and left him there. Yeah there was a chance he could have hooked up with a girl at that party but just as I was getting into my car to leave who comes running up to me going, “Wait! Wait!” My boyfriend. And I knew where I stood and I was very pleased.

Now I doubt that this article has made a difference. Our selfish code has been driven so hard into our heads for so long it is difficult to shake. Some good friends of mine have been the other woman before and they are by no means terrible people. It’s just that fucking code! THAT CODE! Argh! So, I do hope you ladies will take time to think on what I have said and at least attempt to avoid pursuing a man that is already taken. And if you do not, if you instead wish to continue proclaiming, “All’s fair in love and war”…well, then let’s you and I put on a play. Here. Your face can be Hiroshima and my fist can be Little Boy. BAM! BAM! POW! SMACK! THUD! And scene.

I Don't Care Whose Fault it is, Just Both of You Cut it Out!

Very often one sex tries to demonize the other. I try to avoid this, though men often make this a very difficult task. I pride myself on being a person who can see both sides of a situation and I try to maintain that persona throughout every aspect of my life though I know I frequently fail. And when I fail I admit I feel ashamed and hypocritical most of the time...but the rest of the time I don't give a flying fuck! Sometimes you need to be bias. Sometimes being bias and defending one side to the death is the only way to get others to stand up and take notice. A perfect example of this is during war. If your country is being attacked bias can really come in handy. Not a very good idea to sit back and say, "Well, I can see where Napoleon is coming from. I mean, who wouldn't want to control the world?" Or "Well, we do have a lot of resources. I can see where they would want to invade and conquer us. Perhaps we shouldn't be so hard on them." No! No! No! In times such as those you need to wave your flag and shout to the heavens, "We're #1! We're #1!" Who cares who is right or wrong. Defend your own to the death. Go out there and kick some ass! And that's what I'm about to do and guess whose ass is getting ready to be kicked: Your asses, gentlemen!

As we know sex is a great divider between man and woman. It's not that one likes it more or less than the other but we do go about getting it in different ways and apply different meanings to it. A woman tends to look at sex as a means to connect with a man on a spiritual level. We view sex as a way to express our love and share ourselves with the person in our lives. And yes, sometimes it is even a sneaky tool used to get held. Pathetic? Perhaps. True? Absolutely. Men on the other hand tend to look at sex as....sex......Yeah. That's about it. So, you can see where the chaos begins. Even a guy who thinks he is honest and possessing an honorable character will often find himself operating in the realms of douchebag and not even know it. Most common example is this:

Boy meets Girl. Boy thinks, "She's hot." Girl thinks, "Wow! He's so sweet and sensitive. I've never felt so safe with someone. Oh, God. Could he be the one?" Things begin to get physical between Boy and Girl. Before they get too physical Boy feels compelled by his "Honor", since he knows Girl is CRAZY about him, to let Girl know that this is just something for kicks and that he is not looking for a relationship. Girl says that is fine and sexy time commences and Boy thinks to himself, "Awesome. I was honest and got pussy. Score!" Oh, but wait, dear reader because Boy is unaware of Girl's true feelings which are: "He says he doesn't want a relationship now but I'll change his mind." And Girl proceeds to have a series of what Boy thinks to be casual liasons. And then the inevitable moment occurs where Boy is caught with other girl or Boy stops sleeping with Girl or some other situation that causes an absolute nuclear bomb of WTF to go off. Girl cries, "I thought you really cared about me. I thought we were going somerwhere" and Boy can only look at her and think, "Did I lapse into fucking Hebrew or something when I had the casual relationship talk with this chick?" No, you didn't. But you did sleep with a girl that you knew was crazy about you. Word of the wise, boys, you can't have casual sex with someone you're crazy about. It just doesn't work out. At least not for us ladies. You need to learn to look at the girl and think to yourself, "It doesn't matter what I say to this chick. She's not going to give up the dream of us being together so I better just stay away from her and spare her the heartache." Now I know what you men are thinking, "Well, all I can do is be honest and if she lies and says it's okay then that's her fault." And you know what? You're right. She is stupid. She should know better. However, we don't ever learn. Every girl thinks she is different than the last girl. And she is. She is different. But you, sir, are still that same piece of shit, commitment-phobic, self-absorbed cocksucker that you were with Girl #1, Girl #2, and Girl #3 but most of us fail to realize that and so we get ourselves in situations of unrequited loved. And yes. It's our fault. We're dumb. I'll admit. We're dumb. But I still urge you, gentlemen to take pity on us and put the feelings of your fellow human beings before the feelings of your dick. Walk away from that dreamy eyed girl. Don't break her heart. Cause if you keep it up one day things might not end so well for you with one of these smitten girls and you'll end up....well.....have you ever seen Fatal Attraction?

Give a Man an Inch and He Thinks He's a Ruler

I've often said that having a boyfriend is like having a child that you molest and that has the strength to kick the shit out of you. Of course this isn't true. Often it is you that gets molested by the child a.k.a. man. Again, I jest...Or do I? Come to think of it, ladies, how often do we leave a date going, "What the fuck just happened to my precious little lady parts?" If you're sitting there reading this and saying, "Um...never, April" then GOOD FOR YOU! I mean that in a sincere way, not in a "Well, fuck you in your tower!" way. But I have heard many stories from ladies out there who were unfortunate enough to make the mistake of treating men like...well, adults and this can get them in a lot of trouble. You can't do that. It's not wise. It's right up there with people raising chimps only to later get mauled to death by them. Just don't do it. Don't own chimps! They are super strong and they can rip your arms off! RIP THEM OFF! But as usual, I digress. What I'm trying to convey is that children need boundaries and likewise men do as well. And the only way to establish these boundaries is for you- Mommy- to create some rules and to stand your ground. Just like children men can smell weakness. You know how it is when you're not single and you go to bars with your girlfriends and it's like the guys can smell that you have a boyfriend and therefore they leave you alone? But then when you're single all of a sudden you're surrounded in men. You reason it by saying, "Well, I'm single and giving off a new attitude and that's why guys are approaching me now at bars." Bullshit! You've just had your heart broken! You're vulnerable! Blood is in the water and they smell it, ladies! They smell it just like a child smells the moment of Mommy's defeat when she has become sick and tired of enforcing the rules and is on the verge of locking herself in the bathroom and crying there until Daddy gets home. You cannot show this weakness. You cannot! Especially in the bedroom! Men will always try to take it a step further than you initially wanted to and you need to stand your ground. Just as Mommy yells, "Stop jumping on the couch!" You need to be able to exclaim, "Get your hand out from underneath my skirt!" And yes, it's annoying when Mommy goes into the kitchen then returns 5 minutes later to see little Jimmy jumping on the couch again but she cannot give in! She cannot know defeat or it's all over for poor Mommy. She has to yell again, "Stop jumping on the couch!" just as you have to physically remove his hand and again reiterate, "Don't do that." You might be tempted to just give up the fight and just say, "Fine but stay on the outside of the panties." But don't! Because guess what he'll be trying to do in the next 5 minutes. He'll be trying to slide his fingers inside your panties and possibly inside something else as well. And if you give in to that then he's probably going to try to go down on you. Doesn't sound too bad, I know. But then you might start feeling a little guilty and will feel pressured to return the favor which is of course all part of his master plan. And before you know it you went from a girl saying, "Don't put your hand under my skirt. That's naughty" to a girl on her knees reciprocating the favor of what was probably just subpar head. Awful scenario, is it not, ladies? Makes you want to shower with sandpaper, eh? Right now you're probably thinking, "Good God, April! How do I avoid this?" Easy. If he keeps up his bad behavior just say the same thing Mommy says when she's just had it up to here with little Jimmy: "I'm telling Daddy on you!"