Chicago Trip and More.....

(I go into an Indian restaraunt to order take out.)
Me: Make it spicy...very spicy...like spicy with the intent to kill.

**********

Me: What would an out of town trip be without a 40 to 50 year old man hitting on me.

**********

Jon: I went to my locker and April had put this little glow in the dark plastic sperm on it and it really meant something to me, you know? Like...I knew she cared.

**********

Mom: I need to go to the bathroom.
(Mom gets out of the car to go to gas station bathroom. Later Mom returns.)
Mom: Well...I didn't make it.

**********

Jon: Well! I'm not going to sexually harass you anymore.

**********

Toma: Oh my God! I'm directing a porno!
Me: And I'm ashamed to have written it.

**********

Jon: Well, April was eating this ice cream very...provacatively.
Me: I was not!
Jon: Yes. You were.
Me: I was just eating ice cream.
Jon: No, you weren't. Anyways, while she was doing this I called over to her that she had a little bit of white stuff on her face. And every time I saw her I'd tell her that.
Me: Ugh.
Jon: But then one day she-
Me: I got sick of you sexually harassing me so I decided to freak you out so you'd leave me alone.
Jon: And when I told her she had some white stuff on her face she-
Me: I went (I take my finger and wipe off this "white stuff" and lick it off my finger.)
Jon: And I thought, "Wow. She likes me."
Me: As you can see it had the opposite effect of what I was going for.

**********

Marisa: HELENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love...hmmm...unconditional love. It's talked about a lot but does it really exist? I mean, what is unconditional love to begin with? If we just look at the words it's a love without conditions. Sounds nice. But don't we all journey through life with conditions and choose to only love those who meet those conditions? And if that's so then I guess unconditional love is a load of hooey. *Hiss. Blah. Peh. Pish. Hmph.* <---- The usual bitter aura of the conclusions I come to. But then I stopped and thought on the matter a little further. Surely everyone who we love will at least once disappoint, hurt, and/or betray us someday thus breaking one or many of our "conditions" and what then do we do? Well, sometimes we hate them and other times...we still love them. And I guess that's where the unconditional love thing comes in. It's rare and an almost impossible thing to earn, especially outside of the bonds of family, but it does happen.

I'm baffled by this "unconditional love". It does not know logic, pattern, method, or reason. It just is. And my God, it's AMAZING! Every time I am presented with undeniable proof that I have an unconditional love for someone I am completely floored by its strength, its beauty, and its ability to know no bounds. How is it that someone can slight me with something trivial and I can never want to see them again and then have someone else do something that by all logical standards should be deemed unforgiveable yet not only can I forgive them but I can still love them. And I'm not referring just to the love one has for a significant other but the love one can have for a friend as well. To stop loving them isn't really even an option. A person who has earned your unconditional love can inflict an insurmountable amount of pain on you and yet even as they hurt you...it's like you forgave them the moment they did it. You still cry over it and perhaps for healthy and logical reasons the relationship cannot continue but...you still love them. You keep waiting for the hate and disgust to manifest but it doesn't. So, you tell yourself that you're in shock and that you just haven't accepted it yet. But time passes and...you realize that you forgive them and that they have indeed earned that unconditional love.

I know some might not understand the conclusion I've come to from my own experiences and witnessing other's. They might post the query, "But if you unconditionally love someone then wouldn't you still continue a relationship?" But unfortunately love, though it is many wonderful things, is not simple. In fact, it's very complicated and sometimes the greatest thing one can do for someone they love is to walk away and let them live their life to the fullest and happiest degree they can. And letting someone do that, letting someone you love go cause it's the right thing to do...well, I don't think there is a greater demonstration of unconditional love out there.

Been Awhile Since I've Done the Quote Bit So...

********** Me: With relationships you can either choose to die alone or finally just give up and settle. Marisa: Wow. You are so jaded, dude. ********** Mom: We bought Radar a pair of baby pajamas. Me: Like a Onesie...for a human baby? Mom: Yeah. He was so cute. And if you held him just right he looked like an actual baby. Me: That's seriously messed up, Mom. Mom: We took pictures of him. Me: Ugh. ********** Me: His ballsack is too heavy so he had to sit down. Marisa: Awwww. Poor thing. ********** Marisa: Do you want to watch America's Sweethearts with me? Me: No. You know how I feel about romance. Marisa: God! You're bitter! ********** (Decided to watch America's Sweethearts with Marisa.) John Cusack: How can you be in love with someone you don't even like? Me: I don't know, man. But you're right. Whew. Sucks. (Marisa probably took this time to look at me and silently pray that she will never become me.) ********** Me: That play was full of so much left-wing propaganda it made me want to go out and give the rich tax breaks, litter, and club a baby seal. Mom: Really? Me: Yeah! But you know how I am. If someone preaches to me about something I've gotta go do the opposite. Like with that play Dead Man Walking. I walked into the theatre against the death penalty and walked out totally for it.

Back at my parents again.......Sigh

Nana: Do you ever pray for yourself, Debbie?
Mom: No.
Nana: Why not?
Mom: I don't know.
Nana: You should.
Mom: Well, do you pray for yourself?
Nana:.....Yeah. A few nights ago I prayed to God that I'd stop itching.

**********

Mom: Look at what I bought!
Me: It's a toilet seat.
Mom: An oak toilet seat.
Nana: That's real pretty.
Mom: I'm going to go put it on the toilet.
(Mom puts it on toilet.)
Mom: Wow! It looks good. Who wants to use the new toilet seat?
Nana: Well, I don't have to go right now but later.
Mom: Well, at least come look at it.
(Nana goes and looks at it.)
Nana: Yeah, Debbie. It's made a world of difference. It's real pretty.
Mom: I just love a wooden toilet seat. Don't you think it looks better, April?
Me: Yeah.
(I later go to use the bathroom. When I exit I am met with this-)
Mom: So, you used the new toilet seat?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: How was it?
(I am by now sick of this fucking toilet seat talk.)
Me: Oh, it was great. I came and everything. It was glorious.
Mom: Oh, April!

**********

Mom: Larry, do you remember the show with Archie and Edith?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: And the episode where Edith died and Archie comes home and he's all alone and-
(Mom at this point is crying.)
Mom: And he finds her slipper and cries over it and he just doesn't know what do without her?
Dad: Nope. Never saw that one.
Mom: It was so sad. I heard a country song today that reminded me of that episode. And I think when I die you'll be like Archie is in that episode.
(Mom is still crying.)
Me: I gotta get out of here. First day back and it's already getting weird.

***********

Mom: Look at the Halloween cookies I got the girls.
Me: Those are dog treats.
Mom: Dog treats!?!?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Well, shit! It's a good thing you told me. I almost ate one of those.

************

Mom: I need to take you to the doctor, Mom. You are seriously losing it. Your cheese has slid off your cracker.
Nana: Yeah. My elevator went to the bottom.
Mom: You mean your elevator doesn't go to the top.
Nana: Yeah, something like that.

************

(I read this to my dad.)
Dad: Don't tell people this stuff. They're going to think we're freakin' nuts.

Comments and Their Results

Nana: When Mimi was little she'd sing the song Pushy Pig Pushy Pig.
Ellie (my 7 yr. old cousin): Pussy Pig Pussy Pig.
Mom: No. Pushy Pig. Not Pussy Pig.

RESULT: I shook my head and sighed.

Ellie: AHHHHH!
Me: Stop it! I hate it when you just randomly scream.
Ellie: AHHHHHH!
Me: Fine. Be that way Lucy Danser.

RESULT: Missed Lucy.

Dad (singing): Where oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and I thought I found true love but you met another and you were gone. (Stops singing.) That there is April's song when it comes to men.

RESULT: I cried.

Me: Look! A Wooly Worm.
Mom: They tell you whether we're going to have a long winter or not.
Me: Well, what does that Wooly Worm say?
Mom: I don't know. I forgot how to tell. Mom, how can you tell from a Wooly Worm what kind of winter we're going to have?
Nana: If it's furry we're going to have a long winter.
Me: They're all furry.
Nana: Oh. Well, I don't know then.
Mom: Larry, how can you tell what kind of winter we're going to have from a Wooly Worm?
Dad: It's going to be a long winter if they're out crawling around.
Mom: Oh! It has to do with their stripes. Not if they're furry or out crawling around.
Me: Yeah. Basically in your guys' opinion if the wooly worm exists we're going to have a bad winter.

RESULT: I guess we're going to have a bad winter.

Sigh. Oh, family.

Mom: Lawyer Daggot will be running next week.
Uncle David: You think he will win?
Mom: Yeah. He's been doing really well. Now Bernie's Boy ain't doing shit.
Nana: I thought Lawyer Daggot was doing good.
Mom: He is.
Nana: You just said he wasn't.
Mom: No, Bernie.
Nana: Bernie's doing good?
Mom: No, Lawyer Daggot is. Bernie is doing bad.
Nana: Well, that's what I thought but you were talking like Lawyer Daggot was doing bad.
Mom: What?
Nana: Yeah.
Mom: No, I wasn't.
Nana: Yeah, you were.
Mom: No.
Nana: You weren't?
Mom: No.
Nana: Oh.
Aunt Melissa: This is like "Who's on first."

* * * * *

Mom: I don't think the prince in your play is mean enough.
Me: Me neither but Marisa and Amanda said he was an ass.
Mom: Really?...Those girls don't know what an ass is.
Me: I don't think they do either. But maybe we're just stupid when it comes to men or have low expectations.
Mom: Well, when you're living in the house of Slytherin, the prince don't sound that bad.

* * * * *

Mom: Okay, April. Now there's something you need to know when you write your western.
Me: Okay.
Mom: On a train when people would use the bathroom they would just crap down a hole and it would spill out onto the tracks.
Me: ..........
Mom: And those toilets were called dry hoppers.
Me: ..........Okay.
Nana: I used the bathroom on a train before.
Mom: Yeah, but you didn't use a dry hopper.
Nana: I don't know if I did or not.
Mom: You didn't. That toilet had water.
Nana: Yeah......?
Mom: That's not a dry hopper.
Nana: Oh....Okay.......Maybe it was an airplane.
Mom: Then that definetly wasn't a dry hopper.

Sinful and Silly Comments Made by Family and Friends

Me: I put a dollar bill down a stripper's underwear with my teeth.
Dad: I thought you had more class than that.
Me: Nope.

* * *

Mom: How did you do at the casino?
Me: Man! I haven't been beat like that since someone put a banana down my pants and turned a monkey loose.

* * *

Dad: James and Jim have our Vegas trip all planned out.
Me: Does it involve male strippers?
Dad: No.
Me: Then they haven't got mine and Mom's trip planned.

* * *

Kiley (my 6 yr. old cousin): I have a boyfriend but he doesn't know it.
Me: Hmmm. At your age that's really cute but fast forward 20 years and you're going to get a restraining order real quick.
Kiley: I love him because he's funny.
Me: Then get ready for a whole world of hurt, sweetie, cause it's the funny ones that break your heart the most.
(Kiley looks at me questioningly with her sweet and innocent eyes so I continue to explain.)
Me: After awhile things just stop being funny and it just hurts.
(Kiley continues to stare at me.)
Me:.......So, he's your boyfriend? Awww. That's so cute.
(Kiley goes back to smiling dreamily.)

* * *

(Ellie keeps putting her hand in my face the whole car ride home making me flinch.)
Ellie: Do you like it when I do that?
Me: No. In fact, the love I have for you is the only thing that keeps me from slaying you.
(Ellie giggles and keeps doing it. Sigh.)

* * *

Me: I want to open up a pool hall/male strip club and call it Cock and Balls.
Kirsten: Awesome.
Me: Will you be my star, Doug?
Doug: Yes, April. I'll be your star.
Me: Dance, monkey, dance!

* * *

(Mom and I were watching a movie)
Me: I can't believe she did that at her own funeral, I mean wedding......Eh. Same thing really.

* * *

Me: It feels like I'm not doing anything as your maid of honor.
Amy: All you need to do is show up and look pretty.
Josh: But not prettier than Amy.
Amy: Yeah but not prettier than me. But prettier than everyone else.
Josh: You need to be the second prettiest person there.
Me: .......I'll see what I can do.