The REAL Ugly Truth

I have just completed the viewing of the romantic comedy The Ugly Truth. It was a two hour event filled with a flurry of stomach flutters, uncontrollable giggling, and thuddings of a rapidly beating heart whenever Gerard Butler would grace the screen in all his sexy glory as the chauvinistic yet charming Mike Chadway. Mmmmmmm. Yummy. So, so, yummy. And allow me to tell you why. Mike Chadway first off is being presented within the steamy, devilish vessel of Gerard Butler. So, there's like a bazillion points right there. Furthermore, he is charming, confident, and successful. Three major things women find attractive in a man. Of course he has his faults. Womanizer. Chauvinistic. Doesn't believe in love. But as the film progresses we find out that this anti-love, chauvinistic man whore has a dazzling, vulgar sense of humor (maybe not every girl's dream quality but a HUGE plus in my book), a sweet little nephew that lives next door that he serves as a devoted father figure for, and a love, yes love, for the neurotic, control freak Abby. How kick ass is that? He has a douche bag outer shell with a sweet and creamy nice guy filling. I mean, this guy actually gives up a high paying, prestigious TV job cause he wants to continue to live next door to his nephew so he can take care of him. Awwwwwww! And he gets his little heart broken when Abby disses him for the doctor next door. Double awwwwwww! And the only reason why he is an outer douche bag in the first place is because he's gotten his heart broken so many times. Triple awwwwwww! Is he not just adorable, precious, and just everything........MMMMMMMMMMMMM. *sighs dreamily*

Now here's where I deliver my version of the ugly truth. MIKE CHADWAYS DO NOT EXIST! There is no such thing as the charming, flirtatious, unattainable cause he's too busy chasing pussy nice guy. It's a complete bullshit dream that we women have been chasing for entirely too long. There is no sweet little nephew next door. There is no history of him getting his wittle heart bwoken by the big bad scawy women. And there sure as hell will never be the moment where he looks into your eyes and says, "I love you" and actually mean it. Nope. No way. No how. Sorry. We'd like to think that that mysterious, unattainable flirt has a sweet side, a sensitive side, a side that goes to children's hospitals on the weekends and makes little balloon animals for kids. But nope. There is only the tail chasing, arrogant prick that he does a very apt job at portraying. And don't get mad at him, ladies when he breaks your heart. He let you know what you were getting yourself into. It was you that convinced yourself that this guy wasn't as deep as a puddle. It was you that convinced yourself that you'd be different.

Now don't beat yourselves up too long for being so foolish as to chase the fake Mike Chadways. We all do it. It's just a right of passage all us ladies must make. Here is a personal fav of mine:

Boyfriend: I don't fall in love.
Me (thinking): Oh, you'll fall in love with me.
Months later during our break up.....
Boyfriend: I don't love you now and I never loved you.

Conclusion: A prick but I can't say he didn't warn me.

So, ladies, remember; if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then it's probably a duck.

Why Can't the English Learn to Feel?

Henry Higgins (God, I love that musical) once posed the question, "Why can't the English learn to speak?" Good question I must admit. For the life of me I've never understood the thing they do where they put an r at the end of a word that proceeds a word that begins with a vowel. For example, instead of the simple and accepted "I saw it" an English person will say, "I sawr it." They say they do this because it sounds better but it doesn't change the fact that they are adding a letter that is NOT there! But being a Kentuckian I must confess I have no right to lecture others on proper pronounciation. Our dialect is so peculiar we can barely understand each other. Kindergarten is "kidneygarden". Flower is "flier". Do you want to is "Y'ont to?". Wolf is "woof". Pool is "Poo". Kentuckians aren't very fond of Ls. "The kidneygardener took a poo in the poo and it don't smell like fliers. Y'ont ta clean it up?" Whew. Plus, I think British accents are cute and would hate to see them change. So, unlike Henry Higgins, I am not too concerned with why the English can't learn to speak. I'm more concerned with why the English can't learn to feel.

What got me on this topic is that I was persuaded by my friend Marisa to watch Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth version. Mmmmmmm. Colin Firth. I'd love for that big Englishman to just rip off my clothes, throw me on the kitchen table and "plant his flag.") Ahem. But I digress. Throughout this film (and every other Jane Austen book based film which are all pretty much the same) I discovered something that just...perplexes me and quite frankly irritates me. That something is the complete and total lack of passion. A proposal in such a film/book usually consists of someone standing all sour-faced with straight as an ironing board posture calmly declaring, "Over the past few months when I frequented your estate, dear madam I have grown to hold an admiration for you and, dare I say, even love. Due to this recent development in events I think it is only logical that we should engage in the act of marrying. What are your sentiments on this matter, may I ask?" Wow. Calm down there tiger. You're getting way too worked up. In matters of anger there is even LESS emotion. "Good God, that fellow is rather cheeky, I must say. We shall never invite that chap to tea again." Even today England is reported to be one of the countries that shows the least amount of affection in public and even in discourse they enjoy keeping distance between them and the individual they are having a conversation with. I'm not saying this just from experience. It was a matter discussed in a culture class as well. The French and even some Latinos engage in the act of kissing on the cheek. Certain cultures in the middle east are practically up on each other when they talk. But not the English. God forbid.

I'm not certain why this is. Perhaps it's the whole island thing. "I am a rock. I am an island cause a rock feels no pain and an island never cries." Good ol' Simon and Garfunkle. Or perhaps it's because of all the invasions they've endured where all their strong men were slaughtered and all their beautiful and vivacious women were stolen and taken away. These series of tragic events might explain their lack of passion...and trust just as America being Europe's garbage can might explain our lack of good sense and moral character. But you make the best of what you got. It's just difficult for Americans to understand the English's way of dealing with matters of the heart. I do not doubt that they possess a vast reservoir of emotion. I have some friends from England who have done a fine job demonstrating this. What Americans cannot comprehend though is why the English find expressing these emotions so difficult. Expressing emotion is not something we have a hard time with. Containing it is where we run into trouble.

America: How dare Japan attack one of our military targets. Let's go drop some atomic bombs on their cities full of innocent women and children. That'll show them!

America: God I hate Vietnam! Argh! Let's just burn this motherfucker down. JUST BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN! Hand me some of that Agent Orange shit.

America: Excuse me, cashier? That tea should not be that expensive.
Cashier: English sales tax, sir.
America: This is some fucking bullshit! Where's my damn gun?! Lobster back motherfuckers think they can tax me? HA!

Yes. America has no problem with emotions (expressing them that is.)

One of my exes was British and he always enjoyed doing impersonations of the dialogue that occurs during English sex. "Is that nice? Yes? It is? Very well then. Should I continue? Yes? Very well then. This is very nice indeed." I know he was merely joking but to every joke there is always a kernel of truth. I was with him for 6 months and to this day I am still not certain whether he ever truly cared for me at all. He was so friggin English with his emotions it was hard for me to know where I stood. Today he might pine for me every waking moment of his life or if when someone mentions my name he might genuinely go, "April? Who's that?" Neither result would surprise me. It's no wonder arranged marriages were so popular in England for so long. I doubt anything would have gotten started and/or resolved if it were left up to the individual's ability to express emotion and feeling.

However, I am given hope by the vast majority of my English friends that emotion is starting to be felt and even embraced in our generation. Perhaps within the next 50 years or so England might be on par with America's ability to express emotion. Can you imagine it? America and England, two of the most powerful and influential countries in the world, whirling about in a flurry of uninhibited emotion. It would be fantastic! It would be glorious! It would be the Apacolypse! It would...hmmm. Maybe you should hold off on that whole developing emotions thing, England. I mean, one of us has to have some sense, right?

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love...hmmm...unconditional love. It's talked about a lot but does it really exist? I mean, what is unconditional love to begin with? If we just look at the words it's a love without conditions. Sounds nice. But don't we all journey through life with conditions and choose to only love those who meet those conditions? And if that's so then I guess unconditional love is a load of hooey. *Hiss. Blah. Peh. Pish. Hmph.* <---- The usual bitter aura of the conclusions I come to. But then I stopped and thought on the matter a little further. Surely everyone who we love will at least once disappoint, hurt, and/or betray us someday thus breaking one or many of our "conditions" and what then do we do? Well, sometimes we hate them and other times...we still love them. And I guess that's where the unconditional love thing comes in. It's rare and an almost impossible thing to earn, especially outside of the bonds of family, but it does happen.

I'm baffled by this "unconditional love". It does not know logic, pattern, method, or reason. It just is. And my God, it's AMAZING! Every time I am presented with undeniable proof that I have an unconditional love for someone I am completely floored by its strength, its beauty, and its ability to know no bounds. How is it that someone can slight me with something trivial and I can never want to see them again and then have someone else do something that by all logical standards should be deemed unforgiveable yet not only can I forgive them but I can still love them. And I'm not referring just to the love one has for a significant other but the love one can have for a friend as well. To stop loving them isn't really even an option. A person who has earned your unconditional love can inflict an insurmountable amount of pain on you and yet even as they hurt you...it's like you forgave them the moment they did it. You still cry over it and perhaps for healthy and logical reasons the relationship cannot continue but...you still love them. You keep waiting for the hate and disgust to manifest but it doesn't. So, you tell yourself that you're in shock and that you just haven't accepted it yet. But time passes and...you realize that you forgive them and that they have indeed earned that unconditional love.

I know some might not understand the conclusion I've come to from my own experiences and witnessing other's. They might post the query, "But if you unconditionally love someone then wouldn't you still continue a relationship?" But unfortunately love, though it is many wonderful things, is not simple. In fact, it's very complicated and sometimes the greatest thing one can do for someone they love is to walk away and let them live their life to the fullest and happiest degree they can. And letting someone do that, letting someone you love go cause it's the right thing to do...well, I don't think there is a greater demonstration of unconditional love out there.