I'm in Mourning For My Life

What a title, eh? Don't ya just love Chekhov? Yeah. Me neither. But it is a good line I must admit and as emo as it is, sometimes it is necessary to be in mourning for what has transpired in our lives. People are all too often eager to bypass any type of mourning or period of reflection that may cause them sadness. And that is a natural and understandable desire. However, it is also an unwise course of action. Running from our past is no way to live. Trying to forget heartaches is futile. That's not to say one should just wallow in their misery but they do need to take a moment to think on where they've been, where they are, and where they are going.

I love analogies. I'm very Jesus that way. Therefore, allow me to paint you a clearer picture of what I am talking about. Heartache is like a bunch of shit scattered throughout the house. (I'm a cussing Jesus by the way.) Some of the junk you need to throw out, some of it you need to just find a place for. But as you look about the house you are bewildered with even the thought of this task, much less the actual act of carrying it out. So, you think to yourself, "Why go through the hassle of organizing this stuff when I can just shove it in the closet?" Sounds like a good idea, right? So you shove the junk in the closet and you look about your nice, clean house and go, "Ahhhh. Lovely." Then a few months pass and before you know it the house is a wreck AGAIN! So, what do you do? You shove that shit into the closet too. And you keep doing this until finally it becomes harder and harder to shove stuff in there. Before you know it that closet door is looking like it's about to burst open any minute. And then finally it does. And you've got a big pile of shit in the hallway that you are now FORCED to sort through whether you like it or not, whether you're ready to or not. Moral of the story- when the house is dirty, clean it properly. Don't just hide the clutter away. Likewise, when you're in pain don't try to ignore the heartache. You've just got to grow a pair and sort through the bullshit. It sucks but there it is.

Now I write a lot of rants and raves and some of them are from personal experience and others are from events I've witnessed in the lives of others. This particular essay though I must confess is from personal experience. In the past year I have gone through some romantic disappointments and rather than sit my ass down and grieve like I should have I proceeded to jump from one relationship to another cause you can't cry over an ex if you're crazy about your current boyfriend now, can you? But eventually there will come a time where you will have to be alone with your thoughts and that's when the shit will hit the fan, folks! Just like the person who has a year's worth of junk cascading out of the closet, you now have a series of old relationship heartbreaks to get over. Congrats, Rebound Rita! You get to cry over a series of boyfriends all at once! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! As I described it to my friend Amelia.....

Boyfriend X uppercut me and sent me sprawling onto the ground. Boyfriend Y then proceeded to walk over and stomp on me. Then Boyfriend Z thought it in good taste to walk by, stop, look down at me, spit on me, then go on his merry way. And there I am in the dirt beaten, bruised, and weeping with a loogie glistening on my tear-stained face. Oh, joy.

Amelia disagreed, however. Her version of events is thus...

Boyfriend X shoves me out of our cozy tree house and after hitting every wrathful branch on the way down I am nothing but a crumpled mass in the dirt. Then Boyfriend Y approaches me, helps me up, and leads me to his car under the pretense of whisking me away to safety. But wait! Just as he opens the door to usher me into the car he pushes me into the road, jumps into the car, and drives over me. As Boyfriend Y speeds away into the sunset cackling maniacally Boyfriend Z walks by, stops, looks down at me, spits, then goes on his merry may. And there I am in the dirt, bruised, covered in tire tracks, and weeping with a loogie glistening on my tear-stained face.

Whatever version, it's not a pretty picture. Both leave me having to get over a series of consecutive injuries all at once...and a loogie on my face. Gross.

Now I am not doing a sob story here. If anything this is a story of caution and hope. Caution: Do not do the rebound thing. Hope: You'll get over it. I know there might be someone out there reading this who is going through a heartbreak and flinging them self on the bed right now going, "I'll never get over them! NEVER! NEVER! EVER!" And if I was there right now I'd pat you on your silly, melodramatic head and go, "There, there, dumbass. You will." How do I know? Because I've been there and I'm getting over it. I had a boyfriend once who did some shady stuff while I was with him and I remember not being able to sleep because I was so afraid that he had slept with this one girl. I would get sick to my stomach, cry and just basically obsess over the idea of him and this other female. Needless to say we broke up. Recently this guy has entered my life after several years, apologized and offered to come clean about anything I wish to know. And you know what? This girl who would lose sleep, get sick, obsess over this guy's possible betrayals didn't give a damn to ask. That's not to say I don't wish this person the best but I am over the heartbreak and could care less whether he cheated or not. Don't scoff! One day you won't give a damn either. You might even find yourself being happy for your ex. Yeah. Weird, huh? But it's the truth. Just a few days ago I witnessed one of my exes with his girlfriend and couldn't help but genuinely smile and go, "Awww. They're a sweet couple." I know! WTF! But I have found that time heals all wounds, that it's silly to harbor anger, and forgiveness is a key ingredient to a......Happiness Cake......um.....yeah...So, my weepy boys and girls go ahead and have your cry, learn your lessons, forgive, and you will be able to let go. I promise. Believe me, if I wasn't speaking the truth I so would have been featured on an episode of Snapped by now. *Knock on wood*

Vengeance is Mine...Or Not

(This is a human interest piece that I had to write to promote a one act play of mine that is having a reading done at the Bloomington Playwrights Project.)

Every play I have ever written can be attributed to a moment when I was angry with someone or something. Though I have always found great joy in writing for the sheer amusement of it, writing has always been a therapeutic outlet for me as well. One of my favorite film quotes is, “I will eviscerate you in fiction.” Yes. When I write a play it is usually the equivalent to me throwing a spear at someone. Or at least that’s how it started out until I wrote my one act play Russ Miles. I’ll admit it. When I wrote this play it was an artistic attempt to expose a certain individual for the low-down monster that he is. It took me about a month to write the first draft of this one act and when it was complete I was immensely satisfied with my spear throwing. Then came the moment where the University Players at Indiana University wished to do a staged reading of the play. Excellent I thought. Now there can be witnesses to my spear throwing and revenge shall be mine. Imagine my surprise then when I found the audience laughing at my dramatic play (but in a good way.) And what good way was that? They were laughing at how pathetic the main character Russ was. This individual was so horrible, so disturbed that he warranted public mockery. Oh, yes. Revenge was sweet…until the end of the play. Russ eventually puts the final nail in his coffin and at that moment people at the reading stopped laughing and could only watch on in horror and pity. And that’s when it hit me. That’s when my motives for writing plays changed forever. I was able to see this “monster” through my audience’s eyes and what I saw was someone that was so lost, so miserable that he did not deserve my hate, mockery, or fictional annihilation but only my pity. As I watched this man’s descent into his own personal Hell I couldn’t help but be reminded of Deuteronomy 32:35 “It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.” Sounds a bit melodramatic, I know but it helped me let go. I realized that there is no point in harboring anger, there is no point in seeking vengeance. Give a bad person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. It’s inevitable. All someone can do is forgive and get away from that person.

I still am inspired by anger and injustice but my goal is now different. Instead of seeking revenge I now seek forgiveness. By writing the person or the scenario that upset me I am able to see things from a different perspective and therefore accept, forgive, and move on because harboring resentment is no way to live.

Girls Lie Too

I am an avid fan of politically incorrect jokes. Hell, my favorite comedy of all time is Blazing Saddles. And my love of naughty jokes only serves to intensify my love for my guy friends cause God knows they are full of them. Just a few that come to mind:

What’s black on top and white on bottom?
Rape.

How do you make an orphan’s hands bleed?
Tell her to keep clapping til Mommy and Daddy comes home.

(Comment on women)
Never trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.

That last one is one of my favorites and also the focus of this article. Seriously, I think men make a good point with this joke. I mean, really. Periods are creepy. They really are and I don’t know if that is the reason women shouldn’t be trusted but…(sorry, ladies, but I’m going to betray us right now) we really shouldn’t be. Now I know what you ladies are thinking. “Women lie more than men? What? 50% of what comes out of a man is lies!” That may be true but I’m not talking about how often either sex lies. If I were well, then yes men would win in a landslide. What I’m talking about is the gravity of the lies. For example a woman’s lies are usually something like this:

It’s your baby.

Or…

No, Officer. My husband was already dead when I got here.

I’ve always held the belief that women are craftier than men. This is evident in Genesis when God punishes man and woman. God looks at Adam and says, “Get off your butt and go get a job.” Perfect curse for a man since we know how lazy they are. And to Eve God said, “Well, you just had to eat that apple didn’t you, Eve? You just had to go and make yourself a Smarty Little Arty.”

“I’m sorry, God, but knowledge should be an eternal quest,” defends Eve.

“But did you have to make Adam eat it too?” God exclaims.

“Damn straight! I’m not spending my life with a dumbass. It was hard enough before the fruit but afterwards there was no way I could deal with that dumb shit.”

“Is that right? You think you’re so much better than Adam, do you?” God asks.

“Well,…yeah. I mean the way I see it you looked at Adam and went, “I know I can do better than that” and you made me,” Eve gloats.

“Is that how it is, eh? Well, in that case, Eve, your punishment shall be to serve man forever. You hear me? FOREVER!” God then turns to storm off to Heaven but before he leaves turns to Eve and adds, “And it’s going to hurt like the dickens when you have babies!” (Yes. God said dickens because God doesn’t cuss. He’s bigger than that, thank you very much.)

Now seriously. Would God make servitude a curse for someone who is weak minded? I don’t think so.Therefore, in conclusion, women are craftier than men. If we were going to survive with these weak ass little bodies we had to be smart.

Now we try to avoid lies. We really, really do but sometimes…well…sometimes we just get ourselves into some real pickles like getting knocked up with your best-friend’s baby or killing you and…well, we gotta do what we gotta do. I mean, you really don’t want to know the truth about me and your best buddy, do you? What’s that saying… “ignorance is bliss?” And the thing about me murdering you…well, if they find out I did it then they’re going to find out why I did it and you don’t want to leave the world with people knowing that you were the kind of man that cheats on his wife with his secretary now, do you? See? Our lies are so self-sacrificing really. Believe me. Lying is so difficult for us to live with. All the sleepless nights we endure because of our lies. All the uneaten dinners due to nerves of being found out. All the scrubbing the blood out of the carpet…what? Who said that? Someone that sounds like me keeps following me around and confessing to my late husband’s murder. Who is that?...Oh well. Moving on. We really would love to come clean about all our misdeeds but then how would that make you look? People would call you a cuckold or a cheating bastard and we can’t have that now, can we, Shnookums?

I Am Not a Man Hater

I am not a man hater. Repeat. I am not a man hater. I know from the articles and plays that I write that it may appear that I hold some seething grudge against men, but I assure you I do not. To be quite honest with you, I love men. I love the way they look, sound, smell, move, talk, etc. etc. I can’t help myself. God really screwed up when he made me. I don’t know what he was doing or thinking when he was in his Build-a-Human Workshop creating me but I have a scenario that I often entertain when pondering this event. Picture it. God is in his Build-a-Human workshop. He decided to create something cute, tiny, adorable, and irresistible to men. He makes her and then he puts her aside and starts working on me. He creates my body and then he begins to add personality ingredients, one of which is a strong sense of sexual morality. This girl, me, God has decided shall be a girl that believes that sex should only occur in the realms of marriage. She shall tremble when a man gets too close and blush when a gentleman winks at her from across the room. Oh, yes. What a sweet, little innocent cherub she shall be. Suddenly God is interrupted by Gabriel blowing his horn and announcing it’s 10 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings. And boy does God love his hot wings. He can’t miss that so quickly he grabs one random ingredient, throws it into this sweet, pure little girl, proclaims her complete and runs off to enjoy some Mango Habanero wings. Now this sweet, innocent thing (me) could have handled a lot of things: a “likely to get fat” ingredient, a “fear of aluminum foil” ingredient, even a “love of boy bands” ingredient. But I be damned if he didn’t throw in the “horny as a three-balled tomcat” ingredient. Why, God? WHY?!?!?! Now every day feels like the Smeagol vs. Gollum scene. Thanks a lot, God.

Luckily God was kind enough to add the “prone to extreme guilt” ingredient even though I’m not Jewish so I have been able to keep it together pretty well. Won’t go into too much detail of my sex life but let’s just say I’ve only ever kissed 6 guys in my entire life so as you can see I’m hanging in there. However, when I do get a boyfriend oh my God. I go crazy. I just….ahem. Anyways. Moving on. What I’m trying to get at is due to my extreme love of men and my…above average sex drive I am quite a devoted girlfriend. I cannot tell you how many wonderful opportunities I have passed up for the sake of a man in my life. I didn’t want to go study out of the country because I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I passed up on acting opportunities because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see my boyfriend enough. I even passed up a trip to Hawaii with a sexy, sexy man because I was sooooo in love with my boyfriend. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But what can I say? With my strong sense of sexual morality combined with my cat in heat sex drive I make one hell of a devoted and loving girlfriend and there’s not much I can do about it.

So, you can understand the offense I take when people call me a man hater. Nay, ill-informed reader. I am not a man hater. I am a man lover. Hell, the vast majority of my friends are men. And there is no end to the sacrifices I will make for a man. No end to the loyalty I will show them. No end to my devotion to them. Nay, dear reader. I love men. I adore men. I worship men!......Why else would I hate those motherfuckers so much?

All's Fair in Love and War

How often have we heard the term “Man Code”? Quite often, right, ladies? We’re not entirely sure of what it is. The majority of my friends are men and I still have barely scratched the surface. I know part of it dictates that a man not ever date his friend’s ex and that a man never sleep with his friend’s girlfriend. I think all that falls under the bros before hos chapter in the Man Code right after the chapter about bathroom etiquette. But this is about all I know of this secret codex of testosterone.

Women find this whole Man Code quite perplexing because, to be quite honest, we never thought men complex enough to devote time to establishing rules and regulations when it comes to moderating behavior. And while men have chosen to be complex in this area of their lives women decided to go super simple for once and enforce only one law to abide by: All’s fair in love and war. Which quite frankly, ladies is bullshit! Pure unadulterated bullshit. So much of our problems are due to this brazen display of self-interest and dishonor fueled by our feminine ego. Because of our inability to stand up for one another and care about the feelings of our fellow sisters we have made ourselves vulnerable to harm from men who might do us ill. While we should be standing up for and defending our fellow ladies, we madly scramble to get whatever we covet and to Hell with whoever stands in our path. In a way we are very much like the Native American tribes who instead of banding together to fight the white man, thought it would be a good idea to fight and kill each other. Needless to say, we know how that strategy turned out for them. If you don’t know, go ask one…oh, wait. The vast majority of them are dead so good luck finding one.

The most common incident where the “All’s fair in love and war” bullshit occurs is when a woman sees a man she really likes and…oh, wait he has a girlfriend. Now this is the part of the story where the girl should go, “Oh, well. I guess it wasn’t meant to be” and go on her merry way. But nay. Instead the girl eyes the taken man covetously and in her best super villain impersonation says, “So, he has a girlfriend? Not for long.” Then cackles maniacally. Okay. So, I’m being melodramatic but you get the picture. The girl then goes on a quest to steal the other’s girl man. Now, I’m a firm believer in the, “If you can take him, you can have him.” So, fear of me losing my man is not what this article is about. What this article is about is for women to sit back and realize the harm they do to others. We’ve all been cheated on and if you haven’t just wait. It will happen. That’s life. Now for those of you who have been cheated on think back on how it felt when you found out and for those of you who haven’t just imagine it. Remember the rush of blood to your head. Remember the aching in your heart. Yes! Your heart actually aches! You clutch your chest in a feeble attempt to make it stop but it’s no use. You begin to cry. And you cry. And you cry. And you cry. You cry until you start dry heaving. Perhaps you even puke. And then you cry more and more and more. You cry so hard and for so long that your eye lids swell up and you can barely even see to find the tissues. Now do you really want to be part of the reason for a girl to go through this? Do you really want that kind of karma following you around? Is a dumbass man really worth it? To some of you, it might be. And if guilt isn’t enough to sway you from pursuing a man that’s already taken maybe this bit of common sense I’m about to deliver to you will. Ready? Here it goes. If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you. Now there are exceptions to this rule. I for one know a couple that started from an extra-marital affair and they married and after 20 something years are still happy. But they are in the minority. Most likely your turn to cry until you puke and are declared temporarily blind from swollen eye lids will come. And don’t be surprised when it happens. You should’ve known what you were getting yourself into. And for those ladies out there who only saw the taken man as a conquest for a night, well, you’ve shared your body and bed with the kind of man who would cheat so he’s obviously defected in some way so…….congratulations? I mean, really, where is the victory in that? You just scored with a piece of shit. Woo hoo! You go, girl!

For the girl who has been cheated on or fears that she might be cheated on my advice is for her to embrace it. If he cheated it’s a good thing you found out what a no count asshole he is. And quite frankly, ladies, sometimes it takes another woman for you and your man to realize that the relationship has run its course. It sucks but it’s true. So, let it go and find someone who is better for you. I know it can be hard to do but at times it is for the best. Furthermore, instead of trying to keep your men from tempting situations, throw them into them, ladies. Test them. It will show you where you truly stand. I remember an incident where I was at a party with a boyfriend and wanted to go home but he didn’t so I arranged another ride for him and left him there. Yeah there was a chance he could have hooked up with a girl at that party but just as I was getting into my car to leave who comes running up to me going, “Wait! Wait!” My boyfriend. And I knew where I stood and I was very pleased.

Now I doubt that this article has made a difference. Our selfish code has been driven so hard into our heads for so long it is difficult to shake. Some good friends of mine have been the other woman before and they are by no means terrible people. It’s just that fucking code! THAT CODE! Argh! So, I do hope you ladies will take time to think on what I have said and at least attempt to avoid pursuing a man that is already taken. And if you do not, if you instead wish to continue proclaiming, “All’s fair in love and war”…well, then let’s you and I put on a play. Here. Your face can be Hiroshima and my fist can be Little Boy. BAM! BAM! POW! SMACK! THUD! And scene.

I Don't Care Whose Fault it is, Just Both of You Cut it Out!

Very often one sex tries to demonize the other. I try to avoid this, though men often make this a very difficult task. I pride myself on being a person who can see both sides of a situation and I try to maintain that persona throughout every aspect of my life though I know I frequently fail. And when I fail I admit I feel ashamed and hypocritical most of the time...but the rest of the time I don't give a flying fuck! Sometimes you need to be bias. Sometimes being bias and defending one side to the death is the only way to get others to stand up and take notice. A perfect example of this is during war. If your country is being attacked bias can really come in handy. Not a very good idea to sit back and say, "Well, I can see where Napoleon is coming from. I mean, who wouldn't want to control the world?" Or "Well, we do have a lot of resources. I can see where they would want to invade and conquer us. Perhaps we shouldn't be so hard on them." No! No! No! In times such as those you need to wave your flag and shout to the heavens, "We're #1! We're #1!" Who cares who is right or wrong. Defend your own to the death. Go out there and kick some ass! And that's what I'm about to do and guess whose ass is getting ready to be kicked: Your asses, gentlemen!

As we know sex is a great divider between man and woman. It's not that one likes it more or less than the other but we do go about getting it in different ways and apply different meanings to it. A woman tends to look at sex as a means to connect with a man on a spiritual level. We view sex as a way to express our love and share ourselves with the person in our lives. And yes, sometimes it is even a sneaky tool used to get held. Pathetic? Perhaps. True? Absolutely. Men on the other hand tend to look at sex as....sex......Yeah. That's about it. So, you can see where the chaos begins. Even a guy who thinks he is honest and possessing an honorable character will often find himself operating in the realms of douchebag and not even know it. Most common example is this:

Boy meets Girl. Boy thinks, "She's hot." Girl thinks, "Wow! He's so sweet and sensitive. I've never felt so safe with someone. Oh, God. Could he be the one?" Things begin to get physical between Boy and Girl. Before they get too physical Boy feels compelled by his "Honor", since he knows Girl is CRAZY about him, to let Girl know that this is just something for kicks and that he is not looking for a relationship. Girl says that is fine and sexy time commences and Boy thinks to himself, "Awesome. I was honest and got pussy. Score!" Oh, but wait, dear reader because Boy is unaware of Girl's true feelings which are: "He says he doesn't want a relationship now but I'll change his mind." And Girl proceeds to have a series of what Boy thinks to be casual liasons. And then the inevitable moment occurs where Boy is caught with other girl or Boy stops sleeping with Girl or some other situation that causes an absolute nuclear bomb of WTF to go off. Girl cries, "I thought you really cared about me. I thought we were going somerwhere" and Boy can only look at her and think, "Did I lapse into fucking Hebrew or something when I had the casual relationship talk with this chick?" No, you didn't. But you did sleep with a girl that you knew was crazy about you. Word of the wise, boys, you can't have casual sex with someone you're crazy about. It just doesn't work out. At least not for us ladies. You need to learn to look at the girl and think to yourself, "It doesn't matter what I say to this chick. She's not going to give up the dream of us being together so I better just stay away from her and spare her the heartache." Now I know what you men are thinking, "Well, all I can do is be honest and if she lies and says it's okay then that's her fault." And you know what? You're right. She is stupid. She should know better. However, we don't ever learn. Every girl thinks she is different than the last girl. And she is. She is different. But you, sir, are still that same piece of shit, commitment-phobic, self-absorbed cocksucker that you were with Girl #1, Girl #2, and Girl #3 but most of us fail to realize that and so we get ourselves in situations of unrequited loved. And yes. It's our fault. We're dumb. I'll admit. We're dumb. But I still urge you, gentlemen to take pity on us and put the feelings of your fellow human beings before the feelings of your dick. Walk away from that dreamy eyed girl. Don't break her heart. Cause if you keep it up one day things might not end so well for you with one of these smitten girls and you'll end up....well.....have you ever seen Fatal Attraction?

Back at my parents again.......Sigh

Nana: Do you ever pray for yourself, Debbie?
Mom: No.
Nana: Why not?
Mom: I don't know.
Nana: You should.
Mom: Well, do you pray for yourself?
Nana:.....Yeah. A few nights ago I prayed to God that I'd stop itching.

**********

Mom: Look at what I bought!
Me: It's a toilet seat.
Mom: An oak toilet seat.
Nana: That's real pretty.
Mom: I'm going to go put it on the toilet.
(Mom puts it on toilet.)
Mom: Wow! It looks good. Who wants to use the new toilet seat?
Nana: Well, I don't have to go right now but later.
Mom: Well, at least come look at it.
(Nana goes and looks at it.)
Nana: Yeah, Debbie. It's made a world of difference. It's real pretty.
Mom: I just love a wooden toilet seat. Don't you think it looks better, April?
Me: Yeah.
(I later go to use the bathroom. When I exit I am met with this-)
Mom: So, you used the new toilet seat?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: How was it?
(I am by now sick of this fucking toilet seat talk.)
Me: Oh, it was great. I came and everything. It was glorious.
Mom: Oh, April!

**********

Mom: Larry, do you remember the show with Archie and Edith?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: And the episode where Edith died and Archie comes home and he's all alone and-
(Mom at this point is crying.)
Mom: And he finds her slipper and cries over it and he just doesn't know what do without her?
Dad: Nope. Never saw that one.
Mom: It was so sad. I heard a country song today that reminded me of that episode. And I think when I die you'll be like Archie is in that episode.
(Mom is still crying.)
Me: I gotta get out of here. First day back and it's already getting weird.

***********

Mom: Look at the Halloween cookies I got the girls.
Me: Those are dog treats.
Mom: Dog treats!?!?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Well, shit! It's a good thing you told me. I almost ate one of those.

************

Mom: I need to take you to the doctor, Mom. You are seriously losing it. Your cheese has slid off your cracker.
Nana: Yeah. My elevator went to the bottom.
Mom: You mean your elevator doesn't go to the top.
Nana: Yeah, something like that.

************

(I read this to my dad.)
Dad: Don't tell people this stuff. They're going to think we're freakin' nuts.