Comments and Their Results

Nana: When Mimi was little she'd sing the song Pushy Pig Pushy Pig.
Ellie (my 7 yr. old cousin): Pussy Pig Pussy Pig.
Mom: No. Pushy Pig. Not Pussy Pig.

RESULT: I shook my head and sighed.

Ellie: AHHHHH!
Me: Stop it! I hate it when you just randomly scream.
Ellie: AHHHHHH!
Me: Fine. Be that way Lucy Danser.

RESULT: Missed Lucy.

Dad (singing): Where oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and I thought I found true love but you met another and you were gone. (Stops singing.) That there is April's song when it comes to men.

RESULT: I cried.

Me: Look! A Wooly Worm.
Mom: They tell you whether we're going to have a long winter or not.
Me: Well, what does that Wooly Worm say?
Mom: I don't know. I forgot how to tell. Mom, how can you tell from a Wooly Worm what kind of winter we're going to have?
Nana: If it's furry we're going to have a long winter.
Me: They're all furry.
Nana: Oh. Well, I don't know then.
Mom: Larry, how can you tell what kind of winter we're going to have from a Wooly Worm?
Dad: It's going to be a long winter if they're out crawling around.
Mom: Oh! It has to do with their stripes. Not if they're furry or out crawling around.
Me: Yeah. Basically in your guys' opinion if the wooly worm exists we're going to have a bad winter.

RESULT: I guess we're going to have a bad winter.

Sigh. Oh, family.

Mom: Lawyer Daggot will be running next week.
Uncle David: You think he will win?
Mom: Yeah. He's been doing really well. Now Bernie's Boy ain't doing shit.
Nana: I thought Lawyer Daggot was doing good.
Mom: He is.
Nana: You just said he wasn't.
Mom: No, Bernie.
Nana: Bernie's doing good?
Mom: No, Lawyer Daggot is. Bernie is doing bad.
Nana: Well, that's what I thought but you were talking like Lawyer Daggot was doing bad.
Mom: What?
Nana: Yeah.
Mom: No, I wasn't.
Nana: Yeah, you were.
Mom: No.
Nana: You weren't?
Mom: No.
Nana: Oh.
Aunt Melissa: This is like "Who's on first."

* * * * *

Mom: I don't think the prince in your play is mean enough.
Me: Me neither but Marisa and Amanda said he was an ass.
Mom: Really?...Those girls don't know what an ass is.
Me: I don't think they do either. But maybe we're just stupid when it comes to men or have low expectations.
Mom: Well, when you're living in the house of Slytherin, the prince don't sound that bad.

* * * * *

Mom: Okay, April. Now there's something you need to know when you write your western.
Me: Okay.
Mom: On a train when people would use the bathroom they would just crap down a hole and it would spill out onto the tracks.
Me: ..........
Mom: And those toilets were called dry hoppers.
Me: ..........Okay.
Nana: I used the bathroom on a train before.
Mom: Yeah, but you didn't use a dry hopper.
Nana: I don't know if I did or not.
Mom: You didn't. That toilet had water.
Nana: Yeah......?
Mom: That's not a dry hopper.
Nana: Oh....Okay.......Maybe it was an airplane.
Mom: Then that definetly wasn't a dry hopper.

Sinful and Silly Comments Made by Family and Friends

Me: I put a dollar bill down a stripper's underwear with my teeth.
Dad: I thought you had more class than that.
Me: Nope.

* * *

Mom: How did you do at the casino?
Me: Man! I haven't been beat like that since someone put a banana down my pants and turned a monkey loose.

* * *

Dad: James and Jim have our Vegas trip all planned out.
Me: Does it involve male strippers?
Dad: No.
Me: Then they haven't got mine and Mom's trip planned.

* * *

Kiley (my 6 yr. old cousin): I have a boyfriend but he doesn't know it.
Me: Hmmm. At your age that's really cute but fast forward 20 years and you're going to get a restraining order real quick.
Kiley: I love him because he's funny.
Me: Then get ready for a whole world of hurt, sweetie, cause it's the funny ones that break your heart the most.
(Kiley looks at me questioningly with her sweet and innocent eyes so I continue to explain.)
Me: After awhile things just stop being funny and it just hurts.
(Kiley continues to stare at me.)
Me:.......So, he's your boyfriend? Awww. That's so cute.
(Kiley goes back to smiling dreamily.)

* * *

(Ellie keeps putting her hand in my face the whole car ride home making me flinch.)
Ellie: Do you like it when I do that?
Me: No. In fact, the love I have for you is the only thing that keeps me from slaying you.
(Ellie giggles and keeps doing it. Sigh.)

* * *

Me: I want to open up a pool hall/male strip club and call it Cock and Balls.
Kirsten: Awesome.
Me: Will you be my star, Doug?
Doug: Yes, April. I'll be your star.
Me: Dance, monkey, dance!

* * *

(Mom and I were watching a movie)
Me: I can't believe she did that at her own funeral, I mean wedding......Eh. Same thing really.

* * *

Me: It feels like I'm not doing anything as your maid of honor.
Amy: All you need to do is show up and look pretty.
Josh: But not prettier than Amy.
Amy: Yeah but not prettier than me. But prettier than everyone else.
Josh: You need to be the second prettiest person there.
Me: .......I'll see what I can do.

Give a Man an Inch and He Thinks He's a Ruler

I've often said that having a boyfriend is like having a child that you molest and that has the strength to kick the shit out of you. Of course this isn't true. Often it is you that gets molested by the child a.k.a. man. Again, I jest...Or do I? Come to think of it, ladies, how often do we leave a date going, "What the fuck just happened to my precious little lady parts?" If you're sitting there reading this and saying, "Um...never, April" then GOOD FOR YOU! I mean that in a sincere way, not in a "Well, fuck you in your tower!" way. But I have heard many stories from ladies out there who were unfortunate enough to make the mistake of treating men like...well, adults and this can get them in a lot of trouble. You can't do that. It's not wise. It's right up there with people raising chimps only to later get mauled to death by them. Just don't do it. Don't own chimps! They are super strong and they can rip your arms off! RIP THEM OFF! But as usual, I digress. What I'm trying to convey is that children need boundaries and likewise men do as well. And the only way to establish these boundaries is for you- Mommy- to create some rules and to stand your ground. Just like children men can smell weakness. You know how it is when you're not single and you go to bars with your girlfriends and it's like the guys can smell that you have a boyfriend and therefore they leave you alone? But then when you're single all of a sudden you're surrounded in men. You reason it by saying, "Well, I'm single and giving off a new attitude and that's why guys are approaching me now at bars." Bullshit! You've just had your heart broken! You're vulnerable! Blood is in the water and they smell it, ladies! They smell it just like a child smells the moment of Mommy's defeat when she has become sick and tired of enforcing the rules and is on the verge of locking herself in the bathroom and crying there until Daddy gets home. You cannot show this weakness. You cannot! Especially in the bedroom! Men will always try to take it a step further than you initially wanted to and you need to stand your ground. Just as Mommy yells, "Stop jumping on the couch!" You need to be able to exclaim, "Get your hand out from underneath my skirt!" And yes, it's annoying when Mommy goes into the kitchen then returns 5 minutes later to see little Jimmy jumping on the couch again but she cannot give in! She cannot know defeat or it's all over for poor Mommy. She has to yell again, "Stop jumping on the couch!" just as you have to physically remove his hand and again reiterate, "Don't do that." You might be tempted to just give up the fight and just say, "Fine but stay on the outside of the panties." But don't! Because guess what he'll be trying to do in the next 5 minutes. He'll be trying to slide his fingers inside your panties and possibly inside something else as well. And if you give in to that then he's probably going to try to go down on you. Doesn't sound too bad, I know. But then you might start feeling a little guilty and will feel pressured to return the favor which is of course all part of his master plan. And before you know it you went from a girl saying, "Don't put your hand under my skirt. That's naughty" to a girl on her knees reciprocating the favor of what was probably just subpar head. Awful scenario, is it not, ladies? Makes you want to shower with sandpaper, eh? Right now you're probably thinking, "Good God, April! How do I avoid this?" Easy. If he keeps up his bad behavior just say the same thing Mommy says when she's just had it up to here with little Jimmy: "I'm telling Daddy on you!"

Gentlemen, Women Sweat the Small Stuff

So often men will complain about women not making any sense whatsoever. And we at times have to agree with them. Let's face it. Women are emotional creatures that operate largely on intuition. That doesn't mean we're simple or intellectually challenged. If anything we are somewhat like X-Men all possessing the same super power: Gut Feeling. We charge into the streets fighting evil doers, our battle cry ringing out, "I JUST KNOW!" It's an amazing gift we possess but can be quite frightening under certain circumstances like for example if we go insane. Then the "I just know" battle cry can be kinda...well, fucking crazy and it is then that we make some of the most bad ass, scary super villain motherfuckers EVER! (See Fatal Attraction.) But I digress. What I am trying to get at is that often even we do not know why we feel the way we do or act the way we do. But yesterday while watching Made of Honor (Don't judge me. Nothing else was on. I swear!) I had an epiphany about women and I figured I'd share it with you men and hell even you women because you psycho bitches probably haven't even realized this about us either. You know that saying Don't Sweat the Small Stuff? Well, women do. Very much so. Very, very, very much so. The big stuff now that's a walk through the park but the little stuff HELL NO! A man can cheat on his woman and yes she will throw a fit but watch that silly bitch go right back to him. Why? Because he has bad self-esteem from when he use to be fat. Or his mother never said she loved him. Or his parents' divorce was very traumatic for him so he has problems with commitment. We can make up as many lame ass excuses for as many lame ass stunts that you pull, gentlemen. That's another X-Men gift we have. A man can hit his woman and watch the dumbass go back to him. Why? His father beat him and that's the only way he knows how to act. Or he has a chemical imbalance and it makes him act out sometimes. Or it's my fault. I shouldn't have made him mad. Lame excuses for lame behavior.

Now you're probably wondering where Made of Honor comes in. Well, first let me clue you in on the story. You've had plenty of time to see it so I don't feel bad about giving things away and besides you're not missing anything. Girl gets engaged with handsome, rich, royal, athletic, 9 inch cock toting Scotsman. Girl's best friend who happens to be a guy decides he is in love with her and embarks on a quest to steal her away. Everything he does has no affect on her and just as you begin to think there is no distracting her from the love she has for her rugged, delicious Scotsman her fiance does the unthinkable which leads her that night to share a passionate kiss with her best friend and eventually run away with him. What is this unthinkable and atrocious act he commits, you might ask? What could possibly make a woman ditch a handsome duke who lives in a fucking castle and has a fucking 9 inch cock? Allow me to lay out the scenario. They are at the dinner table. They bring out the dessert; a choice between cheesecake or chocolate cake. Girl gets cheesecake. Scottish Duke gets chocolate cake. She eyes his chocolate cake covetously and reaches with her fork to snag a piece. He sees this and scolds her lightly saying, "Don't do that. Here. If you want a piece..." He cuts off a tiny bit of cake and puts it on her plate. "There you go." She looks down dejectedly at her cake bit and thinks to herself, "FUCK YOU AND YOUR BAG PIPES!" The Scottish Duke has been left at the altar that moment and the poor bastard doesn't even know it. Doesn't matter that he's handsome, doesn't matter that he is royalty, doesn't matter that he lives in a castle, doesn't matter that he adores her. He wouldn't let her nibble off his plate and so fuck him as far as she is concerned. And you want to know the most fucked up part? I AGREED WITH HER! I couldn't help it! I actually gasped, literally gasped, when he wouldn't let her eat off his plate. Why? Because women sweat the small stuff. I have no better answer than that. Perhaps it is our bottled up rage from the big stuff manifesting through the little stuff. Perhaps we feel if we're going to put up with the big stuff we should at least be able to eat off your friggin plate. I don't know. The point is though, gentlemen, remember that the little things matter to us. If we're cold give us your coat. If our feet hurt after a night of dancing carry us to the car. If we...well...are there give us a massage. And for God's sake you better let us eat off your plate if you know what's good for you. We might not notice the presence of these small kindnesses but by God we'll notice their absence. Do these small favors for us and then...well I guess you can cheat on us and beat us all you want. Hmmm. That wasn't the message I was going for at all. Hmmm. What I'm trying to say is don't make big mistakes and don't make little ones either. Dammit, just be perfect! You hear me? PERFECT!!!!!!

Dating in the World of Cthulhu (Roll Your Sanity Check)

I have found this year through my many adventures that dating is much like Call of Cthulhu. Now I know that might seem odd but think about it. In the beginning as an adventurer in Cthulhu that mysterious amulet is just a pretty amulet, that weird growling noise outside your bedroom window is just a dog, and that apparition you just saw was merely a trick of the light. Much is similar in the case of dating. For instance, that red flag that went up on your first date is not really a big deal, that look he gave that other girl wasn't a look of lust. He just liked her outfit and when he was an hour late he wasn't cheating. He was just...um...well, he didn't really say what he was doing but I'm sure it wasn't cheating. He was probably feeding hungry orphans or something. He's so wonderful like that. Sigh. And then one day everything you had thought true, everything you had hoped for, is shattered. You give the mysterious amulet to your lover and their head implodes right before your very eyes. You look out your window to yell at the dog to go away and you find a werewolf ripping Fluffy your cute little poodle to shreds. And the apparition that you thought was a trick of the light returns and points a ghostly finger at you and wails like a fucking damn banshee. HOLY SHIT! NEVER THE SAME AGAIN! Much is the same in dating. Boyfriend #1 beats you. Boyfriend #2 cheats on you and leaves you for another woman. Boyfriend #3 tells you on a daily basis you're ugly. Boyfriend #4 won't stop drinking and go get a fucking job. Boyfriend #5 is actually secretly married. (Not all of these things have happened to me but you get the picture.) And what these events do to you much like the werewolf and the ghost do is that they slowly drive you fucking crazy. Sure, you're wiser in the end for it cause you've seen the truths and harsh realities life has to offer and you learn to be stronger but much at the expense of your sanity. Any amulet you see now is going to make your head implode. Any growling noise is the werewolf coming back for you this time. And the ghost...well, let's just say you're staying in a motel until the house sales and the next place you move to is so getting saged.

After a series of bad relationships you, like the Cthulhu character, begin to live your life in fear; fear of getting hurt and/or seeing others get hurt. You can never relax. You can never be positive. "DON'T PUT THAT AMULET ON! ARE YOU CRAZY? YOUR HEAD WILL IMPLODE!" And people stand around and look at you and think, "WTF, mate?" The adventurer has now turned into a paranoid, gun wielding nut job who knows one day no matter how hard they try to protect themselves that a monster will eventually kill them and probably in a very horrific way that involves their eyeballs melting out of their head. And in the world of dating the person who had started off so trusting and serene when it came to love is now the psycho bitch thinking every time her man looks at another woman he is lusting, every time he makes a quick movement when he is angry it is to hit her, and no matter what she does he will one day look at her and say, "I don't love you." This leads the girl down a path of odd behavior that irritates the shit out of others and can even lead to hurting those she cares about. I'm sure there are many a Cthulhu adventurer who has burned one of their friend's favorite books cause they didn't like the look of it or who has mistaken a friend for a monster in disguise and killed them. "Ooops. Sorry."

I know there are those of you out there who probably don't agree with me and that is because you have not seen the werewolf and ghost and pray to God you never do. But for those who have seen the horrors that life can offer we are trapped in the world of Cthulhu and it fucking sucks. The only thing I can hope for now is that one day on my dark journey in this dark world I will find a fellow Cthulhu adventurer to take my hand in his and together we can go kill that motherfucking werewolf who ate Fluffy.