Me: I put a dollar bill down a stripper's underwear with my teeth.
Dad: I thought you had more class than that.
Me: Nope.
* * *
Mom: How did you do at the casino?
Me: Man! I haven't been beat like that since someone put a banana down my pants and turned a monkey loose.
* * *
Dad: James and Jim have our Vegas trip all planned out.
Me: Does it involve male strippers?
Dad: No.
Me: Then they haven't got mine and Mom's trip planned.
* * *
Kiley (my 6 yr. old cousin): I have a boyfriend but he doesn't know it.
Me: Hmmm. At your age that's really cute but fast forward 20 years and you're going to get a restraining order real quick.
Kiley: I love him because he's funny.
Me: Then get ready for a whole world of hurt, sweetie, cause it's the funny ones that break your heart the most.
(Kiley looks at me questioningly with her sweet and innocent eyes so I continue to explain.)
Me: After awhile things just stop being funny and it just hurts.
(Kiley continues to stare at me.)
Me:.......So, he's your boyfriend? Awww. That's so cute.
(Kiley goes back to smiling dreamily.)
* * *
(Ellie keeps putting her hand in my face the whole car ride home making me flinch.)
Ellie: Do you like it when I do that?
Me: No. In fact, the love I have for you is the only thing that keeps me from slaying you.
(Ellie giggles and keeps doing it. Sigh.)
* * *
Me: I want to open up a pool hall/male strip club and call it Cock and Balls.
Kirsten: Awesome.
Me: Will you be my star, Doug?
Doug: Yes, April. I'll be your star.
Me: Dance, monkey, dance!
* * *
(Mom and I were watching a movie)
Me: I can't believe she did that at her own funeral, I mean wedding......Eh. Same thing really.
* * *
Me: It feels like I'm not doing anything as your maid of honor.
Amy: All you need to do is show up and look pretty.
Josh: But not prettier than Amy.
Amy: Yeah but not prettier than me. But prettier than everyone else.
Josh: You need to be the second prettiest person there.
Me: .......I'll see what I can do.
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