I've often said that having a boyfriend is like having a child that you molest and that has the strength to kick the shit out of you. Of course this isn't true. Often it is you that gets molested by the child a.k.a. man. Again, I jest...Or do I? Come to think of it, ladies, how often do we leave a date going, "What the fuck just happened to my precious little lady parts?" If you're sitting there reading this and saying, "Um...never, April" then GOOD FOR YOU! I mean that in a sincere way, not in a "Well, fuck you in your tower!" way. But I have heard many stories from ladies out there who were unfortunate enough to make the mistake of treating men like...well, adults and this can get them in a lot of trouble. You can't do that. It's not wise. It's right up there with people raising chimps only to later get mauled to death by them. Just don't do it. Don't own chimps! They are super strong and they can rip your arms off! RIP THEM OFF! But as usual, I digress. What I'm trying to convey is that children need boundaries and likewise men do as well. And the only way to establish these boundaries is for you- Mommy- to create some rules and to stand your ground. Just like children men can smell weakness. You know how it is when you're not single and you go to bars with your girlfriends and it's like the guys can smell that you have a boyfriend and therefore they leave you alone? But then when you're single all of a sudden you're surrounded in men. You reason it by saying, "Well, I'm single and giving off a new attitude and that's why guys are approaching me now at bars." Bullshit! You've just had your heart broken! You're vulnerable! Blood is in the water and they smell it, ladies! They smell it just like a child smells the moment of Mommy's defeat when she has become sick and tired of enforcing the rules and is on the verge of locking herself in the bathroom and crying there until Daddy gets home. You cannot show this weakness. You cannot! Especially in the bedroom! Men will always try to take it a step further than you initially wanted to and you need to stand your ground. Just as Mommy yells, "Stop jumping on the couch!" You need to be able to exclaim, "Get your hand out from underneath my skirt!" And yes, it's annoying when Mommy goes into the kitchen then returns 5 minutes later to see little Jimmy jumping on the couch again but she cannot give in! She cannot know defeat or it's all over for poor Mommy. She has to yell again, "Stop jumping on the couch!" just as you have to physically remove his hand and again reiterate, "Don't do that." You might be tempted to just give up the fight and just say, "Fine but stay on the outside of the panties." But don't! Because guess what he'll be trying to do in the next 5 minutes. He'll be trying to slide his fingers inside your panties and possibly inside something else as well. And if you give in to that then he's probably going to try to go down on you. Doesn't sound too bad, I know. But then you might start feeling a little guilty and will feel pressured to return the favor which is of course all part of his master plan. And before you know it you went from a girl saying, "Don't put your hand under my skirt. That's naughty" to a girl on her knees reciprocating the favor of what was probably just subpar head. Awful scenario, is it not, ladies? Makes you want to shower with sandpaper, eh? Right now you're probably thinking, "Good God, April! How do I avoid this?" Easy. If he keeps up his bad behavior just say the same thing Mommy says when she's just had it up to here with little Jimmy: "I'm telling Daddy on you!"
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