Behold! It is I! King Midas...of Shit!

Why is it that everything I touch turns to shit? That is something I've asked myself many times throughout my life, especially lately. Being King Midas of shit isn't such a treat and quite frankly it's starting to get old. All I ever want to do is help people, guide them down the right path, and tell them how to avoid the trials and tribulations that I've had to endure and yet it seems whenever I extend a helping hand I instead present a freakin monkey's paw. (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkey%27s_paw )I've wrestled for years why this is and at first my conclusion was that I must not understand people which really baffled me because I'm a writer and being a writer you need to understand people. But recently I've come to the epiphany that my curse does not extend from a lack of understanding the human race but from a twisted interpretation of it. I view people almost as a scientist would view a group of lab rats. There's curiosity, predictions, theories, successes, and setbacks. Now one would think this viewpoint would make me even more adept at interpreting and predicting human behavior but alas it does not. Because I view people and life from a standpoint of study I tend to be able to see shit storms before they even happen while as people that view people from a human perspective often can't see what's blatantly in front of them. This I find infuriating. And so many times I have tried to warn my loved ones of imminent doom only to see them take the wrong turn down the rat maze that leads to the cobra instead of the cheese. And I just don't get it. Don't the rats see that no other rat that goes that way ever returns to the cage? And it really blows me away when the rat that actually saw the cobra and escaped last time takes the same damn wrong turn. UGH!

And this is my life in a nutshell. Watching people I care about go the wrong way down the maze to the cobra despite my pleading, despite my threats, depsite my warnings, despite it all. One friend moved in with their ex even though I warned him that it was going to be a disaster of gigantic proportions. One friend decides to date right after a clusterfuck relationship even though I told her that it was critical she take a break. And here's the real kicker. One friend jumped my ass after I chastised her ex for being a complete and total dick to her ( I won't go into details but believe me. He was an absolute monster. Like I think he might be a sociopath.) And somehow throughout all this I am the bad guy. I'm the bad guy for not having faith in my friend that moved in with his ex (by the way that scenario went even worse than I thought it would.) And I'm a bitch for sticking up for my friend somehow because she loves her ex and God forbid anyone say anything bad about him. Well, I dated him a long time ago too and I think I can say whatever I damn well please thank you very much. He is a dick, he deserved to be called a dick, and I'm sorry she's too ignorant to see that. And there we have it. She is the rat who goes to the cobra, more specifically the rat that knows the cobra is there and goes down that path anyways. And finally I come to the conclusion that some rats just need to be eaten. Some rats deserve to be eaten. Now I know that might seem a bit harsh and I probably don't really mean it but frankly I'm just getting exhausted with people not heeding good advice and common sense. Now, I've made some very, very bad decisions in my past and have commited some truly hair brained acts. But in my eyes that's only more reason to listen to me. I've been there, done that. I've had the 7 year relationship. I've experienced a love so strong I was willing to leave family and country for the douchebag. And yet people just seem to ignore my advice. I mean, what is the point of making mistakes and suffering if not to serve as a warning to others. And yet people seem to cling to the belief that we all have to make the mistakes and learn from them ourselves which I think frankly is bullshit. If you see someone jump down a volcano and meet a firey death to lava you don't think to yourself, "Well, I need to experience that mistake for myself." And jump down there yourself. You're suppose to go, "Holy shit! Ed just melted! Fuck me! Note to self, stay away from volcanos." And yet people insist on lining up one after the other to jump down the volcano or to say howdy to the cobra. Baffles the shit out of me. After making a few awful mistakes I learned to listen to others. When my mom told me to save my pride and end it with Boyfriend #3 I did even though I loved him dearly. I knew he was no good for me and knew that my mom had been in the same situation when she was young and who better to listen to? And when my friends told me that the guy I was dating was a flirt and potential cheater I STOPPED dating him. Yet another example happened just a day or two ago. I was up in the air about what to do about a certain guy I've liked for two years and got a man's perspective on the situation and he told me the guy was just stringing me along and I should just bail. Guess what? I took his advice!!!!!!! I am grateful for advice. Open to advice. And the vast majority of the time I take the advice. But when I try to give people the advice I'd want to be given they spit in my eye.

I suppose one would say I just need to learn to mind my own business and maybe I should. It's just I've always felt that one should do unto others what they would want done unto them. But I guess not everyone is like me and I need to just accept that fact as frustrating as it may be. I mean, if I truly am a scientist studying lab rats I need to just let rats do what rats do and hope and pray for the rat's sake they don't go towards the cobra and if they do...well, natural selection. So, I say unto you my little white, fluffy rat friends: "You're on your own."

The HPV Strains Are Coming to Get You, Barbara! Look! Here Comes One of Them Now!

HPV. We've been hearing a lot about it. I've been going through my series of Gardasil shots under the recommendation of my gynecologist lately to prevent getting it. As the vaccine coursed through my arm creating a searing pain and a soreness that lasted all day I began to wonder what I was exactly trying to prevent. I mean, yeah, HPV but what exactly is HPV? I only knew the basics like it can cause cervical cancer but that's it. So, I thought it'd be a good idea to find out and when I did I thought, "Hmmm. Perhaps I should share my discoveries with my fellow possibly clueless ladies." So. Here goes. HPV education for dummies.

What is HPV?
A very common virus that can be passed from person to person usually through sexual contact.

How common?
Like 3 in 4 sexually active people will get at least one strain in their lifetime common.

What?! At least one strain? How many strains are there?
Um...like over 100.

Over 100?!?!
Yeah, but only about 40 types can affect the genitalia of a man or woman.

Only 40, eh? Well, that's okay then. *thick sarcasm* And it's passed through sex?
Yes. Vaginal and anal...and oral...and genital to genital contact.

That's a wily virus. So, being a virgin won't save you then?
Nope.

So that saying that abstinence is the only 100% way to prevent an STD...?
Is bullshit when it comes to HPV.

Well, at least with sex one can just wear a condom and-
Condoms don't protect you 100% from HPV.

Well, condoms aren't 100% on anything but-
Right but it's especially not too helpful with HPV because the virus can survive on the outside of the vagina or on the scrotum of a man. There has been debate among doctors whether condoms help at all. Last I heard they were saying it does help but that's it. It just helps. So, keep wearing condoms but don't put 100% faith in them.

Well, is there a test to give your partner to see if they have it?
A pap test for women but no test for men.

What about that vaccine....uh...Gardasil?
Yup. It protects you but only from 4 strains out of the 40.

FUCK!
Yeah. Two types that cause the most cases of warts and-

Warts? What! Warts?
Yeah. Some strains can cause warts.

UGH! What about the other two strains Gardasil protects you from?
Those two strains cause the most cases of cervical cancer.

AHHHHHHHHH! Cancer?!?!
Yup.

And since men don't have a cervix they're not affected by this at all?
Well, some HPV strains in very rare cases can cause cancer of the penis or anus but very rarely do men get cancer from HPV.

So, they are practically unaffected by HPV?
Pretty much the vast majority of the time. And there's no way yet to test a man to see if he is carrying it. So, in a way it's like men have water balloons filled with HPV and they're running around throwing them at women screaming, "Tag! You got HPV!" They're working on getting a vaccine for men. In fact, some men are getting the Gardasil shot but there's a lot of debate still on this.

This is just awful. It's like there's nothing I can do to stop from getting it! All I can do is lower the odds. And that's something I guess but jeez. I'm probably going to get warts, cancer, or both it looks like.
Well, warts can be removed and only 1% of sexually active adults have genital warts at any given time in America so it's not that common. And cancer, well, cervical cancer isn't that common either. There are about 12,000 women each year that get cervical cancer. Nothing to sneeze at but nothing that's dangerously looming either. Furthermore, cervical cancer develops over a long time. A pap will usually detect abnormal cells to alert you. These cells can become precancerous but even if they do these changes in cells rarely result in cancer. In fact, in 90% of HPV cases the body's immune system will clear the virus naturally making the individual immune to that strain from then on.

90%! So,...the odds of me getting cancer from HPV are slim you're saying?
Pretty much.

Then why even tell me about HPV in the first place and freak me the fuck out?
Because 99% of cervical cancer is believed to be caused by HPV.

Oh.
Yeah.

Well, I guess one should keep an eye on HPV then.
Absolutely. And in case you do get it one day-

Which I probably will.
There's no need to fall to pieces. There's no need to put yourself down. And if you hear of someone who has HPV don't look down on them or treat them like they have the plague. Remember. While you're on your high horse you might have had it at one point in your life already or you might get it one day yourself. Hell, you might have it right now. HPV is not something limited to promiscuous people only. It can't be when a virgin can get it. HPV is simply a virus that can sometimes give you genital warts and make you more likely than before you had it to get cervical cancer. Just wear a condom and get the vaccine and limiting your sexual partners never hurt anyone either.

*******
Disclaimer: I'm no doctor so to make sure you have the absolute facts do your own research. My essay comes from research I did from these websites http://www.acog.org/publications/patient_education/bp073.cfm and http://www.cdc.gov/STD/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm just to name a few of my sources. And like all sources sometimes they conflict.

Greedy Little Bitches

Having insomnia means staying up all night staring bleary-eyed at the television watching a variety of Nostradamus end of the world shows or perhaps an animal planet special on naked mole rats. Last night was a Snapped marathon. SCORE! For those of you who do not know, Snapped is a documentary show about women who...well, snap and kill people (usually their husbands.) Now these women are usually motivated by one of two things; their husbands cheating or money. Now slicing and dicing your cheating husband I can understand. I don't condone it...but I understand. However, what I cannot wrap my head around is someone who will kill for money. I just don't get it. I can honestly say I have had to battle with every deadly sin, every deadly sin except greed that is. I don't know. As long as I can pay my bills, see a movie and go out to eat occasionally, and take a vacation once a year I really don't care about money. I could live off 20,000 a year and be perfectly content. Maybe even 15,000 depending on the city I'm living in. But I guess some people are just so consumed with having the best of the best of everything that they're willing to take someone's life to get it. This is often the case in Snapped. Example: one woman killed her husband because he couldn't afford to get her breast implants. Yup. Breast implants. So, she killed him and took the insurance money and got her some boobies. Another woman was on her fifth husband who was a handsome, young fire chief who would do anything for her and she killed him for the insurance money. HELLO!?!? Poor or not it would be worth keeping the bastard around just so he could do little strip dances in his uniform. Mmmmmmmm. Stripping firemen. Yummy. *Stares off dreamily* Ahem. But back to the point. Women can be some greedy little bitches and that's fine as long as they set about getting their money by their own work and merit instead of marrying a man or killing one for money. Let me tell you something, ladies. Money isn't worth killing for and it's not worth marrying for either. Believe me. You are going to need a lot more than money to make a hell hole, cluster fuck arangement like marriage work. *shudders at the idea of marriage*

Now very rarely will a woman kill her husband for the insurance money and those who would I doubt will be disuaded by a piddly little essay I write. So, I will focus my attention on women who marry for money. WAAAAAAAAY more common unfortunately. And not entirely our fault either. Most of us are raised to look for a man who will be able to provide well for us. Even today women make less than men. The reasoning for this is that companies expect a man to be supporting the woman so why does she need a big paycheck? This is proof that sexism is still prevalent today and it keeps women in the dark ages of seeking a wealthy man to take care of them. I have a friend who has told me on several occasions that he is going to raise his daughter to look for a rich guy to marry and take care of her. My response, "Um...why not raise a daughter to get a good education so she can take care of herself?" Another friend of mine admitted that she wanted to marry a rich man so she could just be a housewife. My response (a blabber-mouth like me always has one), "Why in the hell would you want to be a housewife? Why would you choose that existence?" She explained to me that it is her dream to take care of the home and the children and, mneh, if that's what she wants so be it. To each their own. However, for you ladies out there who dream of being a housewife I urge you to have a back up plan if things go awry. Never put yourself in a situation that you can't find a way out of. If you're just a housewife and your husband decides to cheat on you or beat you you're going to find it a lot harder to leave his ass than you would if you had a career yourself. NEVER, EVER depend on a man. Depending on a man is the equivalent to depending on a pinto to get you from let's say New York to California. It just ain't gonna happen, ladies. You're fooling yourselves.

Now, ladies, I'm not telling you to throw all standards out the window and start dating the 35 year old fry cook at the Burger King. Ambition and drive say a lot about character but don't pass up on a great guy just because he doesn't make at least a 6 figure salary. As long as he has goals and drive to attain those goals give him a chance. Especially if he is a 6 foot tall fireman with rippling muscles and a devilish come hither twinkle in his eye. Mmmmmm. Yes, sir, Mr. Fireman. I'll help you with your hose anyday.

Cold Fish vs. Whore

Okay. No fancy or cutesy wootsy beginning here. I'm just getting straight to it. I am fucking sick and tired of the type of men that beg a woman for sex and then when she finally relents call her a whore for doing so. What is that all about? Seriously, guys. Seriously! What is your problem?!?! I have had so many girls come crying to me victims of this and it just makes me sick to my stomach. Let me tell you something, boys. A girl who decides to care enough about you to share her body and soul with you deserves better than your slander after the relationship has run its course. I mean, you bitch at us when we're not putting out and then when we do and we later break up suddenly we're nasty little hos. I don't get it. I really don't. For one thing, you were there with us so what does that make you? And secondly, when does loving someone and wanting to share something special and extremely intimate with them make you a whore? Furthermore, what really constitutes a whore? Is it by how many guys you make out with, how many guys you've had sex with, whether or not you've cheated, whether you'll have sex with a guy you don't love, WHAT?!?! What really makes someone a whore? I have a friend who is a virgin but she's made out with 20 some guys. I on the other hand am no virgin but have only ever kissed 6 guys in my 24 years. So, who is the bigger whore? Are either of us whores? Don't even bother answering that, guys because personally I've stopped giving a damn what you think of me or my fellow ladies. I am sick of the double standards some of you hold. I am sick of the whining you do when we won't put out. I am sick of the smack you talk about us after we do. Frankly, I'm just sick of YOU! So sick in fact that I think I might just keep my legs crossed for like...EVER! Sound tragic for me? Not really being that my sex life has always had a certain theme song. Care to hear it?

Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

And I'll beat you to the comeback where you say, "No, you can't." And just smile, roll my eyes, and reply, "Yes, I can." Believe me. I can and I don't like that fact anymore than you do.

I'm in Mourning For My Life

What a title, eh? Don't ya just love Chekhov? Yeah. Me neither. But it is a good line I must admit and as emo as it is, sometimes it is necessary to be in mourning for what has transpired in our lives. People are all too often eager to bypass any type of mourning or period of reflection that may cause them sadness. And that is a natural and understandable desire. However, it is also an unwise course of action. Running from our past is no way to live. Trying to forget heartaches is futile. That's not to say one should just wallow in their misery but they do need to take a moment to think on where they've been, where they are, and where they are going.

I love analogies. I'm very Jesus that way. Therefore, allow me to paint you a clearer picture of what I am talking about. Heartache is like a bunch of shit scattered throughout the house. (I'm a cussing Jesus by the way.) Some of the junk you need to throw out, some of it you need to just find a place for. But as you look about the house you are bewildered with even the thought of this task, much less the actual act of carrying it out. So, you think to yourself, "Why go through the hassle of organizing this stuff when I can just shove it in the closet?" Sounds like a good idea, right? So you shove the junk in the closet and you look about your nice, clean house and go, "Ahhhh. Lovely." Then a few months pass and before you know it the house is a wreck AGAIN! So, what do you do? You shove that shit into the closet too. And you keep doing this until finally it becomes harder and harder to shove stuff in there. Before you know it that closet door is looking like it's about to burst open any minute. And then finally it does. And you've got a big pile of shit in the hallway that you are now FORCED to sort through whether you like it or not, whether you're ready to or not. Moral of the story- when the house is dirty, clean it properly. Don't just hide the clutter away. Likewise, when you're in pain don't try to ignore the heartache. You've just got to grow a pair and sort through the bullshit. It sucks but there it is.

Now I write a lot of rants and raves and some of them are from personal experience and others are from events I've witnessed in the lives of others. This particular essay though I must confess is from personal experience. In the past year I have gone through some romantic disappointments and rather than sit my ass down and grieve like I should have I proceeded to jump from one relationship to another cause you can't cry over an ex if you're crazy about your current boyfriend now, can you? But eventually there will come a time where you will have to be alone with your thoughts and that's when the shit will hit the fan, folks! Just like the person who has a year's worth of junk cascading out of the closet, you now have a series of old relationship heartbreaks to get over. Congrats, Rebound Rita! You get to cry over a series of boyfriends all at once! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! As I described it to my friend Amelia.....

Boyfriend X uppercut me and sent me sprawling onto the ground. Boyfriend Y then proceeded to walk over and stomp on me. Then Boyfriend Z thought it in good taste to walk by, stop, look down at me, spit on me, then go on his merry way. And there I am in the dirt beaten, bruised, and weeping with a loogie glistening on my tear-stained face. Oh, joy.

Amelia disagreed, however. Her version of events is thus...

Boyfriend X shoves me out of our cozy tree house and after hitting every wrathful branch on the way down I am nothing but a crumpled mass in the dirt. Then Boyfriend Y approaches me, helps me up, and leads me to his car under the pretense of whisking me away to safety. But wait! Just as he opens the door to usher me into the car he pushes me into the road, jumps into the car, and drives over me. As Boyfriend Y speeds away into the sunset cackling maniacally Boyfriend Z walks by, stops, looks down at me, spits, then goes on his merry may. And there I am in the dirt, bruised, covered in tire tracks, and weeping with a loogie glistening on my tear-stained face.

Whatever version, it's not a pretty picture. Both leave me having to get over a series of consecutive injuries all at once...and a loogie on my face. Gross.

Now I am not doing a sob story here. If anything this is a story of caution and hope. Caution: Do not do the rebound thing. Hope: You'll get over it. I know there might be someone out there reading this who is going through a heartbreak and flinging them self on the bed right now going, "I'll never get over them! NEVER! NEVER! EVER!" And if I was there right now I'd pat you on your silly, melodramatic head and go, "There, there, dumbass. You will." How do I know? Because I've been there and I'm getting over it. I had a boyfriend once who did some shady stuff while I was with him and I remember not being able to sleep because I was so afraid that he had slept with this one girl. I would get sick to my stomach, cry and just basically obsess over the idea of him and this other female. Needless to say we broke up. Recently this guy has entered my life after several years, apologized and offered to come clean about anything I wish to know. And you know what? This girl who would lose sleep, get sick, obsess over this guy's possible betrayals didn't give a damn to ask. That's not to say I don't wish this person the best but I am over the heartbreak and could care less whether he cheated or not. Don't scoff! One day you won't give a damn either. You might even find yourself being happy for your ex. Yeah. Weird, huh? But it's the truth. Just a few days ago I witnessed one of my exes with his girlfriend and couldn't help but genuinely smile and go, "Awww. They're a sweet couple." I know! WTF! But I have found that time heals all wounds, that it's silly to harbor anger, and forgiveness is a key ingredient to a......Happiness Cake......um.....yeah...So, my weepy boys and girls go ahead and have your cry, learn your lessons, forgive, and you will be able to let go. I promise. Believe me, if I wasn't speaking the truth I so would have been featured on an episode of Snapped by now. *Knock on wood*

Vengeance is Mine...Or Not

(This is a human interest piece that I had to write to promote a one act play of mine that is having a reading done at the Bloomington Playwrights Project.)

Every play I have ever written can be attributed to a moment when I was angry with someone or something. Though I have always found great joy in writing for the sheer amusement of it, writing has always been a therapeutic outlet for me as well. One of my favorite film quotes is, “I will eviscerate you in fiction.” Yes. When I write a play it is usually the equivalent to me throwing a spear at someone. Or at least that’s how it started out until I wrote my one act play Russ Miles. I’ll admit it. When I wrote this play it was an artistic attempt to expose a certain individual for the low-down monster that he is. It took me about a month to write the first draft of this one act and when it was complete I was immensely satisfied with my spear throwing. Then came the moment where the University Players at Indiana University wished to do a staged reading of the play. Excellent I thought. Now there can be witnesses to my spear throwing and revenge shall be mine. Imagine my surprise then when I found the audience laughing at my dramatic play (but in a good way.) And what good way was that? They were laughing at how pathetic the main character Russ was. This individual was so horrible, so disturbed that he warranted public mockery. Oh, yes. Revenge was sweet…until the end of the play. Russ eventually puts the final nail in his coffin and at that moment people at the reading stopped laughing and could only watch on in horror and pity. And that’s when it hit me. That’s when my motives for writing plays changed forever. I was able to see this “monster” through my audience’s eyes and what I saw was someone that was so lost, so miserable that he did not deserve my hate, mockery, or fictional annihilation but only my pity. As I watched this man’s descent into his own personal Hell I couldn’t help but be reminded of Deuteronomy 32:35 “It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.” Sounds a bit melodramatic, I know but it helped me let go. I realized that there is no point in harboring anger, there is no point in seeking vengeance. Give a bad person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. It’s inevitable. All someone can do is forgive and get away from that person.

I still am inspired by anger and injustice but my goal is now different. Instead of seeking revenge I now seek forgiveness. By writing the person or the scenario that upset me I am able to see things from a different perspective and therefore accept, forgive, and move on because harboring resentment is no way to live.

Girls Lie Too

I am an avid fan of politically incorrect jokes. Hell, my favorite comedy of all time is Blazing Saddles. And my love of naughty jokes only serves to intensify my love for my guy friends cause God knows they are full of them. Just a few that come to mind:

What’s black on top and white on bottom?
Rape.

How do you make an orphan’s hands bleed?
Tell her to keep clapping til Mommy and Daddy comes home.

(Comment on women)
Never trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.

That last one is one of my favorites and also the focus of this article. Seriously, I think men make a good point with this joke. I mean, really. Periods are creepy. They really are and I don’t know if that is the reason women shouldn’t be trusted but…(sorry, ladies, but I’m going to betray us right now) we really shouldn’t be. Now I know what you ladies are thinking. “Women lie more than men? What? 50% of what comes out of a man is lies!” That may be true but I’m not talking about how often either sex lies. If I were well, then yes men would win in a landslide. What I’m talking about is the gravity of the lies. For example a woman’s lies are usually something like this:

It’s your baby.

Or…

No, Officer. My husband was already dead when I got here.

I’ve always held the belief that women are craftier than men. This is evident in Genesis when God punishes man and woman. God looks at Adam and says, “Get off your butt and go get a job.” Perfect curse for a man since we know how lazy they are. And to Eve God said, “Well, you just had to eat that apple didn’t you, Eve? You just had to go and make yourself a Smarty Little Arty.”

“I’m sorry, God, but knowledge should be an eternal quest,” defends Eve.

“But did you have to make Adam eat it too?” God exclaims.

“Damn straight! I’m not spending my life with a dumbass. It was hard enough before the fruit but afterwards there was no way I could deal with that dumb shit.”

“Is that right? You think you’re so much better than Adam, do you?” God asks.

“Well,…yeah. I mean the way I see it you looked at Adam and went, “I know I can do better than that” and you made me,” Eve gloats.

“Is that how it is, eh? Well, in that case, Eve, your punishment shall be to serve man forever. You hear me? FOREVER!” God then turns to storm off to Heaven but before he leaves turns to Eve and adds, “And it’s going to hurt like the dickens when you have babies!” (Yes. God said dickens because God doesn’t cuss. He’s bigger than that, thank you very much.)

Now seriously. Would God make servitude a curse for someone who is weak minded? I don’t think so.Therefore, in conclusion, women are craftier than men. If we were going to survive with these weak ass little bodies we had to be smart.

Now we try to avoid lies. We really, really do but sometimes…well…sometimes we just get ourselves into some real pickles like getting knocked up with your best-friend’s baby or killing you and…well, we gotta do what we gotta do. I mean, you really don’t want to know the truth about me and your best buddy, do you? What’s that saying… “ignorance is bliss?” And the thing about me murdering you…well, if they find out I did it then they’re going to find out why I did it and you don’t want to leave the world with people knowing that you were the kind of man that cheats on his wife with his secretary now, do you? See? Our lies are so self-sacrificing really. Believe me. Lying is so difficult for us to live with. All the sleepless nights we endure because of our lies. All the uneaten dinners due to nerves of being found out. All the scrubbing the blood out of the carpet…what? Who said that? Someone that sounds like me keeps following me around and confessing to my late husband’s murder. Who is that?...Oh well. Moving on. We really would love to come clean about all our misdeeds but then how would that make you look? People would call you a cuckold or a cheating bastard and we can’t have that now, can we, Shnookums?

I Am Not a Man Hater

I am not a man hater. Repeat. I am not a man hater. I know from the articles and plays that I write that it may appear that I hold some seething grudge against men, but I assure you I do not. To be quite honest with you, I love men. I love the way they look, sound, smell, move, talk, etc. etc. I can’t help myself. God really screwed up when he made me. I don’t know what he was doing or thinking when he was in his Build-a-Human Workshop creating me but I have a scenario that I often entertain when pondering this event. Picture it. God is in his Build-a-Human workshop. He decided to create something cute, tiny, adorable, and irresistible to men. He makes her and then he puts her aside and starts working on me. He creates my body and then he begins to add personality ingredients, one of which is a strong sense of sexual morality. This girl, me, God has decided shall be a girl that believes that sex should only occur in the realms of marriage. She shall tremble when a man gets too close and blush when a gentleman winks at her from across the room. Oh, yes. What a sweet, little innocent cherub she shall be. Suddenly God is interrupted by Gabriel blowing his horn and announcing it’s 10 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings. And boy does God love his hot wings. He can’t miss that so quickly he grabs one random ingredient, throws it into this sweet, pure little girl, proclaims her complete and runs off to enjoy some Mango Habanero wings. Now this sweet, innocent thing (me) could have handled a lot of things: a “likely to get fat” ingredient, a “fear of aluminum foil” ingredient, even a “love of boy bands” ingredient. But I be damned if he didn’t throw in the “horny as a three-balled tomcat” ingredient. Why, God? WHY?!?!?! Now every day feels like the Smeagol vs. Gollum scene. Thanks a lot, God.

Luckily God was kind enough to add the “prone to extreme guilt” ingredient even though I’m not Jewish so I have been able to keep it together pretty well. Won’t go into too much detail of my sex life but let’s just say I’ve only ever kissed 6 guys in my entire life so as you can see I’m hanging in there. However, when I do get a boyfriend oh my God. I go crazy. I just….ahem. Anyways. Moving on. What I’m trying to get at is due to my extreme love of men and my…above average sex drive I am quite a devoted girlfriend. I cannot tell you how many wonderful opportunities I have passed up for the sake of a man in my life. I didn’t want to go study out of the country because I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I passed up on acting opportunities because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see my boyfriend enough. I even passed up a trip to Hawaii with a sexy, sexy man because I was sooooo in love with my boyfriend. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But what can I say? With my strong sense of sexual morality combined with my cat in heat sex drive I make one hell of a devoted and loving girlfriend and there’s not much I can do about it.

So, you can understand the offense I take when people call me a man hater. Nay, ill-informed reader. I am not a man hater. I am a man lover. Hell, the vast majority of my friends are men. And there is no end to the sacrifices I will make for a man. No end to the loyalty I will show them. No end to my devotion to them. Nay, dear reader. I love men. I adore men. I worship men!......Why else would I hate those motherfuckers so much?

All's Fair in Love and War

How often have we heard the term “Man Code”? Quite often, right, ladies? We’re not entirely sure of what it is. The majority of my friends are men and I still have barely scratched the surface. I know part of it dictates that a man not ever date his friend’s ex and that a man never sleep with his friend’s girlfriend. I think all that falls under the bros before hos chapter in the Man Code right after the chapter about bathroom etiquette. But this is about all I know of this secret codex of testosterone.

Women find this whole Man Code quite perplexing because, to be quite honest, we never thought men complex enough to devote time to establishing rules and regulations when it comes to moderating behavior. And while men have chosen to be complex in this area of their lives women decided to go super simple for once and enforce only one law to abide by: All’s fair in love and war. Which quite frankly, ladies is bullshit! Pure unadulterated bullshit. So much of our problems are due to this brazen display of self-interest and dishonor fueled by our feminine ego. Because of our inability to stand up for one another and care about the feelings of our fellow sisters we have made ourselves vulnerable to harm from men who might do us ill. While we should be standing up for and defending our fellow ladies, we madly scramble to get whatever we covet and to Hell with whoever stands in our path. In a way we are very much like the Native American tribes who instead of banding together to fight the white man, thought it would be a good idea to fight and kill each other. Needless to say, we know how that strategy turned out for them. If you don’t know, go ask one…oh, wait. The vast majority of them are dead so good luck finding one.

The most common incident where the “All’s fair in love and war” bullshit occurs is when a woman sees a man she really likes and…oh, wait he has a girlfriend. Now this is the part of the story where the girl should go, “Oh, well. I guess it wasn’t meant to be” and go on her merry way. But nay. Instead the girl eyes the taken man covetously and in her best super villain impersonation says, “So, he has a girlfriend? Not for long.” Then cackles maniacally. Okay. So, I’m being melodramatic but you get the picture. The girl then goes on a quest to steal the other’s girl man. Now, I’m a firm believer in the, “If you can take him, you can have him.” So, fear of me losing my man is not what this article is about. What this article is about is for women to sit back and realize the harm they do to others. We’ve all been cheated on and if you haven’t just wait. It will happen. That’s life. Now for those of you who have been cheated on think back on how it felt when you found out and for those of you who haven’t just imagine it. Remember the rush of blood to your head. Remember the aching in your heart. Yes! Your heart actually aches! You clutch your chest in a feeble attempt to make it stop but it’s no use. You begin to cry. And you cry. And you cry. And you cry. You cry until you start dry heaving. Perhaps you even puke. And then you cry more and more and more. You cry so hard and for so long that your eye lids swell up and you can barely even see to find the tissues. Now do you really want to be part of the reason for a girl to go through this? Do you really want that kind of karma following you around? Is a dumbass man really worth it? To some of you, it might be. And if guilt isn’t enough to sway you from pursuing a man that’s already taken maybe this bit of common sense I’m about to deliver to you will. Ready? Here it goes. If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you. Now there are exceptions to this rule. I for one know a couple that started from an extra-marital affair and they married and after 20 something years are still happy. But they are in the minority. Most likely your turn to cry until you puke and are declared temporarily blind from swollen eye lids will come. And don’t be surprised when it happens. You should’ve known what you were getting yourself into. And for those ladies out there who only saw the taken man as a conquest for a night, well, you’ve shared your body and bed with the kind of man who would cheat so he’s obviously defected in some way so…….congratulations? I mean, really, where is the victory in that? You just scored with a piece of shit. Woo hoo! You go, girl!

For the girl who has been cheated on or fears that she might be cheated on my advice is for her to embrace it. If he cheated it’s a good thing you found out what a no count asshole he is. And quite frankly, ladies, sometimes it takes another woman for you and your man to realize that the relationship has run its course. It sucks but it’s true. So, let it go and find someone who is better for you. I know it can be hard to do but at times it is for the best. Furthermore, instead of trying to keep your men from tempting situations, throw them into them, ladies. Test them. It will show you where you truly stand. I remember an incident where I was at a party with a boyfriend and wanted to go home but he didn’t so I arranged another ride for him and left him there. Yeah there was a chance he could have hooked up with a girl at that party but just as I was getting into my car to leave who comes running up to me going, “Wait! Wait!” My boyfriend. And I knew where I stood and I was very pleased.

Now I doubt that this article has made a difference. Our selfish code has been driven so hard into our heads for so long it is difficult to shake. Some good friends of mine have been the other woman before and they are by no means terrible people. It’s just that fucking code! THAT CODE! Argh! So, I do hope you ladies will take time to think on what I have said and at least attempt to avoid pursuing a man that is already taken. And if you do not, if you instead wish to continue proclaiming, “All’s fair in love and war”…well, then let’s you and I put on a play. Here. Your face can be Hiroshima and my fist can be Little Boy. BAM! BAM! POW! SMACK! THUD! And scene.

I Don't Care Whose Fault it is, Just Both of You Cut it Out!

Very often one sex tries to demonize the other. I try to avoid this, though men often make this a very difficult task. I pride myself on being a person who can see both sides of a situation and I try to maintain that persona throughout every aspect of my life though I know I frequently fail. And when I fail I admit I feel ashamed and hypocritical most of the time...but the rest of the time I don't give a flying fuck! Sometimes you need to be bias. Sometimes being bias and defending one side to the death is the only way to get others to stand up and take notice. A perfect example of this is during war. If your country is being attacked bias can really come in handy. Not a very good idea to sit back and say, "Well, I can see where Napoleon is coming from. I mean, who wouldn't want to control the world?" Or "Well, we do have a lot of resources. I can see where they would want to invade and conquer us. Perhaps we shouldn't be so hard on them." No! No! No! In times such as those you need to wave your flag and shout to the heavens, "We're #1! We're #1!" Who cares who is right or wrong. Defend your own to the death. Go out there and kick some ass! And that's what I'm about to do and guess whose ass is getting ready to be kicked: Your asses, gentlemen!

As we know sex is a great divider between man and woman. It's not that one likes it more or less than the other but we do go about getting it in different ways and apply different meanings to it. A woman tends to look at sex as a means to connect with a man on a spiritual level. We view sex as a way to express our love and share ourselves with the person in our lives. And yes, sometimes it is even a sneaky tool used to get held. Pathetic? Perhaps. True? Absolutely. Men on the other hand tend to look at sex as....sex......Yeah. That's about it. So, you can see where the chaos begins. Even a guy who thinks he is honest and possessing an honorable character will often find himself operating in the realms of douchebag and not even know it. Most common example is this:

Boy meets Girl. Boy thinks, "She's hot." Girl thinks, "Wow! He's so sweet and sensitive. I've never felt so safe with someone. Oh, God. Could he be the one?" Things begin to get physical between Boy and Girl. Before they get too physical Boy feels compelled by his "Honor", since he knows Girl is CRAZY about him, to let Girl know that this is just something for kicks and that he is not looking for a relationship. Girl says that is fine and sexy time commences and Boy thinks to himself, "Awesome. I was honest and got pussy. Score!" Oh, but wait, dear reader because Boy is unaware of Girl's true feelings which are: "He says he doesn't want a relationship now but I'll change his mind." And Girl proceeds to have a series of what Boy thinks to be casual liasons. And then the inevitable moment occurs where Boy is caught with other girl or Boy stops sleeping with Girl or some other situation that causes an absolute nuclear bomb of WTF to go off. Girl cries, "I thought you really cared about me. I thought we were going somerwhere" and Boy can only look at her and think, "Did I lapse into fucking Hebrew or something when I had the casual relationship talk with this chick?" No, you didn't. But you did sleep with a girl that you knew was crazy about you. Word of the wise, boys, you can't have casual sex with someone you're crazy about. It just doesn't work out. At least not for us ladies. You need to learn to look at the girl and think to yourself, "It doesn't matter what I say to this chick. She's not going to give up the dream of us being together so I better just stay away from her and spare her the heartache." Now I know what you men are thinking, "Well, all I can do is be honest and if she lies and says it's okay then that's her fault." And you know what? You're right. She is stupid. She should know better. However, we don't ever learn. Every girl thinks she is different than the last girl. And she is. She is different. But you, sir, are still that same piece of shit, commitment-phobic, self-absorbed cocksucker that you were with Girl #1, Girl #2, and Girl #3 but most of us fail to realize that and so we get ourselves in situations of unrequited loved. And yes. It's our fault. We're dumb. I'll admit. We're dumb. But I still urge you, gentlemen to take pity on us and put the feelings of your fellow human beings before the feelings of your dick. Walk away from that dreamy eyed girl. Don't break her heart. Cause if you keep it up one day things might not end so well for you with one of these smitten girls and you'll end up....well.....have you ever seen Fatal Attraction?

Back at my parents again.......Sigh

Nana: Do you ever pray for yourself, Debbie?
Mom: No.
Nana: Why not?
Mom: I don't know.
Nana: You should.
Mom: Well, do you pray for yourself?
Nana:.....Yeah. A few nights ago I prayed to God that I'd stop itching.

**********

Mom: Look at what I bought!
Me: It's a toilet seat.
Mom: An oak toilet seat.
Nana: That's real pretty.
Mom: I'm going to go put it on the toilet.
(Mom puts it on toilet.)
Mom: Wow! It looks good. Who wants to use the new toilet seat?
Nana: Well, I don't have to go right now but later.
Mom: Well, at least come look at it.
(Nana goes and looks at it.)
Nana: Yeah, Debbie. It's made a world of difference. It's real pretty.
Mom: I just love a wooden toilet seat. Don't you think it looks better, April?
Me: Yeah.
(I later go to use the bathroom. When I exit I am met with this-)
Mom: So, you used the new toilet seat?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: How was it?
(I am by now sick of this fucking toilet seat talk.)
Me: Oh, it was great. I came and everything. It was glorious.
Mom: Oh, April!

**********

Mom: Larry, do you remember the show with Archie and Edith?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: And the episode where Edith died and Archie comes home and he's all alone and-
(Mom at this point is crying.)
Mom: And he finds her slipper and cries over it and he just doesn't know what do without her?
Dad: Nope. Never saw that one.
Mom: It was so sad. I heard a country song today that reminded me of that episode. And I think when I die you'll be like Archie is in that episode.
(Mom is still crying.)
Me: I gotta get out of here. First day back and it's already getting weird.

***********

Mom: Look at the Halloween cookies I got the girls.
Me: Those are dog treats.
Mom: Dog treats!?!?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Well, shit! It's a good thing you told me. I almost ate one of those.

************

Mom: I need to take you to the doctor, Mom. You are seriously losing it. Your cheese has slid off your cracker.
Nana: Yeah. My elevator went to the bottom.
Mom: You mean your elevator doesn't go to the top.
Nana: Yeah, something like that.

************

(I read this to my dad.)
Dad: Don't tell people this stuff. They're going to think we're freakin' nuts.

Comments and Their Results

Nana: When Mimi was little she'd sing the song Pushy Pig Pushy Pig.
Ellie (my 7 yr. old cousin): Pussy Pig Pussy Pig.
Mom: No. Pushy Pig. Not Pussy Pig.

RESULT: I shook my head and sighed.

Ellie: AHHHHH!
Me: Stop it! I hate it when you just randomly scream.
Ellie: AHHHHHH!
Me: Fine. Be that way Lucy Danser.

RESULT: Missed Lucy.

Dad (singing): Where oh where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and I thought I found true love but you met another and you were gone. (Stops singing.) That there is April's song when it comes to men.

RESULT: I cried.

Me: Look! A Wooly Worm.
Mom: They tell you whether we're going to have a long winter or not.
Me: Well, what does that Wooly Worm say?
Mom: I don't know. I forgot how to tell. Mom, how can you tell from a Wooly Worm what kind of winter we're going to have?
Nana: If it's furry we're going to have a long winter.
Me: They're all furry.
Nana: Oh. Well, I don't know then.
Mom: Larry, how can you tell what kind of winter we're going to have from a Wooly Worm?
Dad: It's going to be a long winter if they're out crawling around.
Mom: Oh! It has to do with their stripes. Not if they're furry or out crawling around.
Me: Yeah. Basically in your guys' opinion if the wooly worm exists we're going to have a bad winter.

RESULT: I guess we're going to have a bad winter.

Sigh. Oh, family.

Mom: Lawyer Daggot will be running next week.
Uncle David: You think he will win?
Mom: Yeah. He's been doing really well. Now Bernie's Boy ain't doing shit.
Nana: I thought Lawyer Daggot was doing good.
Mom: He is.
Nana: You just said he wasn't.
Mom: No, Bernie.
Nana: Bernie's doing good?
Mom: No, Lawyer Daggot is. Bernie is doing bad.
Nana: Well, that's what I thought but you were talking like Lawyer Daggot was doing bad.
Mom: What?
Nana: Yeah.
Mom: No, I wasn't.
Nana: Yeah, you were.
Mom: No.
Nana: You weren't?
Mom: No.
Nana: Oh.
Aunt Melissa: This is like "Who's on first."

* * * * *

Mom: I don't think the prince in your play is mean enough.
Me: Me neither but Marisa and Amanda said he was an ass.
Mom: Really?...Those girls don't know what an ass is.
Me: I don't think they do either. But maybe we're just stupid when it comes to men or have low expectations.
Mom: Well, when you're living in the house of Slytherin, the prince don't sound that bad.

* * * * *

Mom: Okay, April. Now there's something you need to know when you write your western.
Me: Okay.
Mom: On a train when people would use the bathroom they would just crap down a hole and it would spill out onto the tracks.
Me: ..........
Mom: And those toilets were called dry hoppers.
Me: ..........Okay.
Nana: I used the bathroom on a train before.
Mom: Yeah, but you didn't use a dry hopper.
Nana: I don't know if I did or not.
Mom: You didn't. That toilet had water.
Nana: Yeah......?
Mom: That's not a dry hopper.
Nana: Oh....Okay.......Maybe it was an airplane.
Mom: Then that definetly wasn't a dry hopper.

Sinful and Silly Comments Made by Family and Friends

Me: I put a dollar bill down a stripper's underwear with my teeth.
Dad: I thought you had more class than that.
Me: Nope.

* * *

Mom: How did you do at the casino?
Me: Man! I haven't been beat like that since someone put a banana down my pants and turned a monkey loose.

* * *

Dad: James and Jim have our Vegas trip all planned out.
Me: Does it involve male strippers?
Dad: No.
Me: Then they haven't got mine and Mom's trip planned.

* * *

Kiley (my 6 yr. old cousin): I have a boyfriend but he doesn't know it.
Me: Hmmm. At your age that's really cute but fast forward 20 years and you're going to get a restraining order real quick.
Kiley: I love him because he's funny.
Me: Then get ready for a whole world of hurt, sweetie, cause it's the funny ones that break your heart the most.
(Kiley looks at me questioningly with her sweet and innocent eyes so I continue to explain.)
Me: After awhile things just stop being funny and it just hurts.
(Kiley continues to stare at me.)
Me:.......So, he's your boyfriend? Awww. That's so cute.
(Kiley goes back to smiling dreamily.)

* * *

(Ellie keeps putting her hand in my face the whole car ride home making me flinch.)
Ellie: Do you like it when I do that?
Me: No. In fact, the love I have for you is the only thing that keeps me from slaying you.
(Ellie giggles and keeps doing it. Sigh.)

* * *

Me: I want to open up a pool hall/male strip club and call it Cock and Balls.
Kirsten: Awesome.
Me: Will you be my star, Doug?
Doug: Yes, April. I'll be your star.
Me: Dance, monkey, dance!

* * *

(Mom and I were watching a movie)
Me: I can't believe she did that at her own funeral, I mean wedding......Eh. Same thing really.

* * *

Me: It feels like I'm not doing anything as your maid of honor.
Amy: All you need to do is show up and look pretty.
Josh: But not prettier than Amy.
Amy: Yeah but not prettier than me. But prettier than everyone else.
Josh: You need to be the second prettiest person there.
Me: .......I'll see what I can do.

Give a Man an Inch and He Thinks He's a Ruler

I've often said that having a boyfriend is like having a child that you molest and that has the strength to kick the shit out of you. Of course this isn't true. Often it is you that gets molested by the child a.k.a. man. Again, I jest...Or do I? Come to think of it, ladies, how often do we leave a date going, "What the fuck just happened to my precious little lady parts?" If you're sitting there reading this and saying, "Um...never, April" then GOOD FOR YOU! I mean that in a sincere way, not in a "Well, fuck you in your tower!" way. But I have heard many stories from ladies out there who were unfortunate enough to make the mistake of treating men like...well, adults and this can get them in a lot of trouble. You can't do that. It's not wise. It's right up there with people raising chimps only to later get mauled to death by them. Just don't do it. Don't own chimps! They are super strong and they can rip your arms off! RIP THEM OFF! But as usual, I digress. What I'm trying to convey is that children need boundaries and likewise men do as well. And the only way to establish these boundaries is for you- Mommy- to create some rules and to stand your ground. Just like children men can smell weakness. You know how it is when you're not single and you go to bars with your girlfriends and it's like the guys can smell that you have a boyfriend and therefore they leave you alone? But then when you're single all of a sudden you're surrounded in men. You reason it by saying, "Well, I'm single and giving off a new attitude and that's why guys are approaching me now at bars." Bullshit! You've just had your heart broken! You're vulnerable! Blood is in the water and they smell it, ladies! They smell it just like a child smells the moment of Mommy's defeat when she has become sick and tired of enforcing the rules and is on the verge of locking herself in the bathroom and crying there until Daddy gets home. You cannot show this weakness. You cannot! Especially in the bedroom! Men will always try to take it a step further than you initially wanted to and you need to stand your ground. Just as Mommy yells, "Stop jumping on the couch!" You need to be able to exclaim, "Get your hand out from underneath my skirt!" And yes, it's annoying when Mommy goes into the kitchen then returns 5 minutes later to see little Jimmy jumping on the couch again but she cannot give in! She cannot know defeat or it's all over for poor Mommy. She has to yell again, "Stop jumping on the couch!" just as you have to physically remove his hand and again reiterate, "Don't do that." You might be tempted to just give up the fight and just say, "Fine but stay on the outside of the panties." But don't! Because guess what he'll be trying to do in the next 5 minutes. He'll be trying to slide his fingers inside your panties and possibly inside something else as well. And if you give in to that then he's probably going to try to go down on you. Doesn't sound too bad, I know. But then you might start feeling a little guilty and will feel pressured to return the favor which is of course all part of his master plan. And before you know it you went from a girl saying, "Don't put your hand under my skirt. That's naughty" to a girl on her knees reciprocating the favor of what was probably just subpar head. Awful scenario, is it not, ladies? Makes you want to shower with sandpaper, eh? Right now you're probably thinking, "Good God, April! How do I avoid this?" Easy. If he keeps up his bad behavior just say the same thing Mommy says when she's just had it up to here with little Jimmy: "I'm telling Daddy on you!"

Gentlemen, Women Sweat the Small Stuff

So often men will complain about women not making any sense whatsoever. And we at times have to agree with them. Let's face it. Women are emotional creatures that operate largely on intuition. That doesn't mean we're simple or intellectually challenged. If anything we are somewhat like X-Men all possessing the same super power: Gut Feeling. We charge into the streets fighting evil doers, our battle cry ringing out, "I JUST KNOW!" It's an amazing gift we possess but can be quite frightening under certain circumstances like for example if we go insane. Then the "I just know" battle cry can be kinda...well, fucking crazy and it is then that we make some of the most bad ass, scary super villain motherfuckers EVER! (See Fatal Attraction.) But I digress. What I am trying to get at is that often even we do not know why we feel the way we do or act the way we do. But yesterday while watching Made of Honor (Don't judge me. Nothing else was on. I swear!) I had an epiphany about women and I figured I'd share it with you men and hell even you women because you psycho bitches probably haven't even realized this about us either. You know that saying Don't Sweat the Small Stuff? Well, women do. Very much so. Very, very, very much so. The big stuff now that's a walk through the park but the little stuff HELL NO! A man can cheat on his woman and yes she will throw a fit but watch that silly bitch go right back to him. Why? Because he has bad self-esteem from when he use to be fat. Or his mother never said she loved him. Or his parents' divorce was very traumatic for him so he has problems with commitment. We can make up as many lame ass excuses for as many lame ass stunts that you pull, gentlemen. That's another X-Men gift we have. A man can hit his woman and watch the dumbass go back to him. Why? His father beat him and that's the only way he knows how to act. Or he has a chemical imbalance and it makes him act out sometimes. Or it's my fault. I shouldn't have made him mad. Lame excuses for lame behavior.

Now you're probably wondering where Made of Honor comes in. Well, first let me clue you in on the story. You've had plenty of time to see it so I don't feel bad about giving things away and besides you're not missing anything. Girl gets engaged with handsome, rich, royal, athletic, 9 inch cock toting Scotsman. Girl's best friend who happens to be a guy decides he is in love with her and embarks on a quest to steal her away. Everything he does has no affect on her and just as you begin to think there is no distracting her from the love she has for her rugged, delicious Scotsman her fiance does the unthinkable which leads her that night to share a passionate kiss with her best friend and eventually run away with him. What is this unthinkable and atrocious act he commits, you might ask? What could possibly make a woman ditch a handsome duke who lives in a fucking castle and has a fucking 9 inch cock? Allow me to lay out the scenario. They are at the dinner table. They bring out the dessert; a choice between cheesecake or chocolate cake. Girl gets cheesecake. Scottish Duke gets chocolate cake. She eyes his chocolate cake covetously and reaches with her fork to snag a piece. He sees this and scolds her lightly saying, "Don't do that. Here. If you want a piece..." He cuts off a tiny bit of cake and puts it on her plate. "There you go." She looks down dejectedly at her cake bit and thinks to herself, "FUCK YOU AND YOUR BAG PIPES!" The Scottish Duke has been left at the altar that moment and the poor bastard doesn't even know it. Doesn't matter that he's handsome, doesn't matter that he is royalty, doesn't matter that he lives in a castle, doesn't matter that he adores her. He wouldn't let her nibble off his plate and so fuck him as far as she is concerned. And you want to know the most fucked up part? I AGREED WITH HER! I couldn't help it! I actually gasped, literally gasped, when he wouldn't let her eat off his plate. Why? Because women sweat the small stuff. I have no better answer than that. Perhaps it is our bottled up rage from the big stuff manifesting through the little stuff. Perhaps we feel if we're going to put up with the big stuff we should at least be able to eat off your friggin plate. I don't know. The point is though, gentlemen, remember that the little things matter to us. If we're cold give us your coat. If our feet hurt after a night of dancing carry us to the car. If we...well...are there give us a massage. And for God's sake you better let us eat off your plate if you know what's good for you. We might not notice the presence of these small kindnesses but by God we'll notice their absence. Do these small favors for us and then...well I guess you can cheat on us and beat us all you want. Hmmm. That wasn't the message I was going for at all. Hmmm. What I'm trying to say is don't make big mistakes and don't make little ones either. Dammit, just be perfect! You hear me? PERFECT!!!!!!

Dating in the World of Cthulhu (Roll Your Sanity Check)

I have found this year through my many adventures that dating is much like Call of Cthulhu. Now I know that might seem odd but think about it. In the beginning as an adventurer in Cthulhu that mysterious amulet is just a pretty amulet, that weird growling noise outside your bedroom window is just a dog, and that apparition you just saw was merely a trick of the light. Much is similar in the case of dating. For instance, that red flag that went up on your first date is not really a big deal, that look he gave that other girl wasn't a look of lust. He just liked her outfit and when he was an hour late he wasn't cheating. He was just...um...well, he didn't really say what he was doing but I'm sure it wasn't cheating. He was probably feeding hungry orphans or something. He's so wonderful like that. Sigh. And then one day everything you had thought true, everything you had hoped for, is shattered. You give the mysterious amulet to your lover and their head implodes right before your very eyes. You look out your window to yell at the dog to go away and you find a werewolf ripping Fluffy your cute little poodle to shreds. And the apparition that you thought was a trick of the light returns and points a ghostly finger at you and wails like a fucking damn banshee. HOLY SHIT! NEVER THE SAME AGAIN! Much is the same in dating. Boyfriend #1 beats you. Boyfriend #2 cheats on you and leaves you for another woman. Boyfriend #3 tells you on a daily basis you're ugly. Boyfriend #4 won't stop drinking and go get a fucking job. Boyfriend #5 is actually secretly married. (Not all of these things have happened to me but you get the picture.) And what these events do to you much like the werewolf and the ghost do is that they slowly drive you fucking crazy. Sure, you're wiser in the end for it cause you've seen the truths and harsh realities life has to offer and you learn to be stronger but much at the expense of your sanity. Any amulet you see now is going to make your head implode. Any growling noise is the werewolf coming back for you this time. And the ghost...well, let's just say you're staying in a motel until the house sales and the next place you move to is so getting saged.

After a series of bad relationships you, like the Cthulhu character, begin to live your life in fear; fear of getting hurt and/or seeing others get hurt. You can never relax. You can never be positive. "DON'T PUT THAT AMULET ON! ARE YOU CRAZY? YOUR HEAD WILL IMPLODE!" And people stand around and look at you and think, "WTF, mate?" The adventurer has now turned into a paranoid, gun wielding nut job who knows one day no matter how hard they try to protect themselves that a monster will eventually kill them and probably in a very horrific way that involves their eyeballs melting out of their head. And in the world of dating the person who had started off so trusting and serene when it came to love is now the psycho bitch thinking every time her man looks at another woman he is lusting, every time he makes a quick movement when he is angry it is to hit her, and no matter what she does he will one day look at her and say, "I don't love you." This leads the girl down a path of odd behavior that irritates the shit out of others and can even lead to hurting those she cares about. I'm sure there are many a Cthulhu adventurer who has burned one of their friend's favorite books cause they didn't like the look of it or who has mistaken a friend for a monster in disguise and killed them. "Ooops. Sorry."

I know there are those of you out there who probably don't agree with me and that is because you have not seen the werewolf and ghost and pray to God you never do. But for those who have seen the horrors that life can offer we are trapped in the world of Cthulhu and it fucking sucks. The only thing I can hope for now is that one day on my dark journey in this dark world I will find a fellow Cthulhu adventurer to take my hand in his and together we can go kill that motherfucking werewolf who ate Fluffy.