All's Fair in Love and War

How often have we heard the term “Man Code”? Quite often, right, ladies? We’re not entirely sure of what it is. The majority of my friends are men and I still have barely scratched the surface. I know part of it dictates that a man not ever date his friend’s ex and that a man never sleep with his friend’s girlfriend. I think all that falls under the bros before hos chapter in the Man Code right after the chapter about bathroom etiquette. But this is about all I know of this secret codex of testosterone.

Women find this whole Man Code quite perplexing because, to be quite honest, we never thought men complex enough to devote time to establishing rules and regulations when it comes to moderating behavior. And while men have chosen to be complex in this area of their lives women decided to go super simple for once and enforce only one law to abide by: All’s fair in love and war. Which quite frankly, ladies is bullshit! Pure unadulterated bullshit. So much of our problems are due to this brazen display of self-interest and dishonor fueled by our feminine ego. Because of our inability to stand up for one another and care about the feelings of our fellow sisters we have made ourselves vulnerable to harm from men who might do us ill. While we should be standing up for and defending our fellow ladies, we madly scramble to get whatever we covet and to Hell with whoever stands in our path. In a way we are very much like the Native American tribes who instead of banding together to fight the white man, thought it would be a good idea to fight and kill each other. Needless to say, we know how that strategy turned out for them. If you don’t know, go ask one…oh, wait. The vast majority of them are dead so good luck finding one.

The most common incident where the “All’s fair in love and war” bullshit occurs is when a woman sees a man she really likes and…oh, wait he has a girlfriend. Now this is the part of the story where the girl should go, “Oh, well. I guess it wasn’t meant to be” and go on her merry way. But nay. Instead the girl eyes the taken man covetously and in her best super villain impersonation says, “So, he has a girlfriend? Not for long.” Then cackles maniacally. Okay. So, I’m being melodramatic but you get the picture. The girl then goes on a quest to steal the other’s girl man. Now, I’m a firm believer in the, “If you can take him, you can have him.” So, fear of me losing my man is not what this article is about. What this article is about is for women to sit back and realize the harm they do to others. We’ve all been cheated on and if you haven’t just wait. It will happen. That’s life. Now for those of you who have been cheated on think back on how it felt when you found out and for those of you who haven’t just imagine it. Remember the rush of blood to your head. Remember the aching in your heart. Yes! Your heart actually aches! You clutch your chest in a feeble attempt to make it stop but it’s no use. You begin to cry. And you cry. And you cry. And you cry. You cry until you start dry heaving. Perhaps you even puke. And then you cry more and more and more. You cry so hard and for so long that your eye lids swell up and you can barely even see to find the tissues. Now do you really want to be part of the reason for a girl to go through this? Do you really want that kind of karma following you around? Is a dumbass man really worth it? To some of you, it might be. And if guilt isn’t enough to sway you from pursuing a man that’s already taken maybe this bit of common sense I’m about to deliver to you will. Ready? Here it goes. If he cheated on her, he’ll cheat on you. Now there are exceptions to this rule. I for one know a couple that started from an extra-marital affair and they married and after 20 something years are still happy. But they are in the minority. Most likely your turn to cry until you puke and are declared temporarily blind from swollen eye lids will come. And don’t be surprised when it happens. You should’ve known what you were getting yourself into. And for those ladies out there who only saw the taken man as a conquest for a night, well, you’ve shared your body and bed with the kind of man who would cheat so he’s obviously defected in some way so…….congratulations? I mean, really, where is the victory in that? You just scored with a piece of shit. Woo hoo! You go, girl!

For the girl who has been cheated on or fears that she might be cheated on my advice is for her to embrace it. If he cheated it’s a good thing you found out what a no count asshole he is. And quite frankly, ladies, sometimes it takes another woman for you and your man to realize that the relationship has run its course. It sucks but it’s true. So, let it go and find someone who is better for you. I know it can be hard to do but at times it is for the best. Furthermore, instead of trying to keep your men from tempting situations, throw them into them, ladies. Test them. It will show you where you truly stand. I remember an incident where I was at a party with a boyfriend and wanted to go home but he didn’t so I arranged another ride for him and left him there. Yeah there was a chance he could have hooked up with a girl at that party but just as I was getting into my car to leave who comes running up to me going, “Wait! Wait!” My boyfriend. And I knew where I stood and I was very pleased.

Now I doubt that this article has made a difference. Our selfish code has been driven so hard into our heads for so long it is difficult to shake. Some good friends of mine have been the other woman before and they are by no means terrible people. It’s just that fucking code! THAT CODE! Argh! So, I do hope you ladies will take time to think on what I have said and at least attempt to avoid pursuing a man that is already taken. And if you do not, if you instead wish to continue proclaiming, “All’s fair in love and war”…well, then let’s you and I put on a play. Here. Your face can be Hiroshima and my fist can be Little Boy. BAM! BAM! POW! SMACK! THUD! And scene.