I am an avid fan of politically incorrect jokes. Hell, my favorite comedy of all time is Blazing Saddles. And my love of naughty jokes only serves to intensify my love for my guy friends cause God knows they are full of them. Just a few that come to mind:
What’s black on top and white on bottom?
Rape.
How do you make an orphan’s hands bleed?
Tell her to keep clapping til Mommy and Daddy comes home.
(Comment on women)
Never trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
That last one is one of my favorites and also the focus of this article. Seriously, I think men make a good point with this joke. I mean, really. Periods are creepy. They really are and I don’t know if that is the reason women shouldn’t be trusted but…(sorry, ladies, but I’m going to betray us right now) we really shouldn’t be. Now I know what you ladies are thinking. “Women lie more than men? What? 50% of what comes out of a man is lies!” That may be true but I’m not talking about how often either sex lies. If I were well, then yes men would win in a landslide. What I’m talking about is the gravity of the lies. For example a woman’s lies are usually something like this:
It’s your baby.
Or…
No, Officer. My husband was already dead when I got here.
I’ve always held the belief that women are craftier than men. This is evident in Genesis when God punishes man and woman. God looks at Adam and says, “Get off your butt and go get a job.” Perfect curse for a man since we know how lazy they are. And to Eve God said, “Well, you just had to eat that apple didn’t you, Eve? You just had to go and make yourself a Smarty Little Arty.”
“I’m sorry, God, but knowledge should be an eternal quest,” defends Eve.
“But did you have to make Adam eat it too?” God exclaims.
“Damn straight! I’m not spending my life with a dumbass. It was hard enough before the fruit but afterwards there was no way I could deal with that dumb shit.”
“Is that right? You think you’re so much better than Adam, do you?” God asks.
“Well,…yeah. I mean the way I see it you looked at Adam and went, “I know I can do better than that” and you made me,” Eve gloats.
“Is that how it is, eh? Well, in that case, Eve, your punishment shall be to serve man forever. You hear me? FOREVER!” God then turns to storm off to Heaven but before he leaves turns to Eve and adds, “And it’s going to hurt like the dickens when you have babies!” (Yes. God said dickens because God doesn’t cuss. He’s bigger than that, thank you very much.)
Now seriously. Would God make servitude a curse for someone who is weak minded? I don’t think so.Therefore, in conclusion, women are craftier than men. If we were going to survive with these weak ass little bodies we had to be smart.
Now we try to avoid lies. We really, really do but sometimes…well…sometimes we just get ourselves into some real pickles like getting knocked up with your best-friend’s baby or killing you and…well, we gotta do what we gotta do. I mean, you really don’t want to know the truth about me and your best buddy, do you? What’s that saying… “ignorance is bliss?” And the thing about me murdering you…well, if they find out I did it then they’re going to find out why I did it and you don’t want to leave the world with people knowing that you were the kind of man that cheats on his wife with his secretary now, do you? See? Our lies are so self-sacrificing really. Believe me. Lying is so difficult for us to live with. All the sleepless nights we endure because of our lies. All the uneaten dinners due to nerves of being found out. All the scrubbing the blood out of the carpet…what? Who said that? Someone that sounds like me keeps following me around and confessing to my late husband’s murder. Who is that?...Oh well. Moving on. We really would love to come clean about all our misdeeds but then how would that make you look? People would call you a cuckold or a cheating bastard and we can’t have that now, can we, Shnookums?
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