I Am Not a Man Hater

I am not a man hater. Repeat. I am not a man hater. I know from the articles and plays that I write that it may appear that I hold some seething grudge against men, but I assure you I do not. To be quite honest with you, I love men. I love the way they look, sound, smell, move, talk, etc. etc. I can’t help myself. God really screwed up when he made me. I don’t know what he was doing or thinking when he was in his Build-a-Human Workshop creating me but I have a scenario that I often entertain when pondering this event. Picture it. God is in his Build-a-Human workshop. He decided to create something cute, tiny, adorable, and irresistible to men. He makes her and then he puts her aside and starts working on me. He creates my body and then he begins to add personality ingredients, one of which is a strong sense of sexual morality. This girl, me, God has decided shall be a girl that believes that sex should only occur in the realms of marriage. She shall tremble when a man gets too close and blush when a gentleman winks at her from across the room. Oh, yes. What a sweet, little innocent cherub she shall be. Suddenly God is interrupted by Gabriel blowing his horn and announcing it’s 10 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings. And boy does God love his hot wings. He can’t miss that so quickly he grabs one random ingredient, throws it into this sweet, pure little girl, proclaims her complete and runs off to enjoy some Mango Habanero wings. Now this sweet, innocent thing (me) could have handled a lot of things: a “likely to get fat” ingredient, a “fear of aluminum foil” ingredient, even a “love of boy bands” ingredient. But I be damned if he didn’t throw in the “horny as a three-balled tomcat” ingredient. Why, God? WHY?!?!?! Now every day feels like the Smeagol vs. Gollum scene. Thanks a lot, God.

Luckily God was kind enough to add the “prone to extreme guilt” ingredient even though I’m not Jewish so I have been able to keep it together pretty well. Won’t go into too much detail of my sex life but let’s just say I’ve only ever kissed 6 guys in my entire life so as you can see I’m hanging in there. However, when I do get a boyfriend oh my God. I go crazy. I just….ahem. Anyways. Moving on. What I’m trying to get at is due to my extreme love of men and my…above average sex drive I am quite a devoted girlfriend. I cannot tell you how many wonderful opportunities I have passed up for the sake of a man in my life. I didn’t want to go study out of the country because I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend. I passed up on acting opportunities because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see my boyfriend enough. I even passed up a trip to Hawaii with a sexy, sexy man because I was sooooo in love with my boyfriend. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But what can I say? With my strong sense of sexual morality combined with my cat in heat sex drive I make one hell of a devoted and loving girlfriend and there’s not much I can do about it.

So, you can understand the offense I take when people call me a man hater. Nay, ill-informed reader. I am not a man hater. I am a man lover. Hell, the vast majority of my friends are men. And there is no end to the sacrifices I will make for a man. No end to the loyalty I will show them. No end to my devotion to them. Nay, dear reader. I love men. I adore men. I worship men!......Why else would I hate those motherfuckers so much?