Chicago Trip and More.....

(I go into an Indian restaraunt to order take out.)
Me: Make it spicy...very spicy...like spicy with the intent to kill.

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Me: What would an out of town trip be without a 40 to 50 year old man hitting on me.

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Jon: I went to my locker and April had put this little glow in the dark plastic sperm on it and it really meant something to me, you know? Like...I knew she cared.

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Mom: I need to go to the bathroom.
(Mom gets out of the car to go to gas station bathroom. Later Mom returns.)
Mom: Well...I didn't make it.

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Jon: Well! I'm not going to sexually harass you anymore.

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Toma: Oh my God! I'm directing a porno!
Me: And I'm ashamed to have written it.

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Jon: Well, April was eating this ice cream very...provacatively.
Me: I was not!
Jon: Yes. You were.
Me: I was just eating ice cream.
Jon: No, you weren't. Anyways, while she was doing this I called over to her that she had a little bit of white stuff on her face. And every time I saw her I'd tell her that.
Me: Ugh.
Jon: But then one day she-
Me: I got sick of you sexually harassing me so I decided to freak you out so you'd leave me alone.
Jon: And when I told her she had some white stuff on her face she-
Me: I went (I take my finger and wipe off this "white stuff" and lick it off my finger.)
Jon: And I thought, "Wow. She likes me."
Me: As you can see it had the opposite effect of what I was going for.

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Marisa: HELENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!