Why Can't the English Learn to Feel?

Henry Higgins (God, I love that musical) once posed the question, "Why can't the English learn to speak?" Good question I must admit. For the life of me I've never understood the thing they do where they put an r at the end of a word that proceeds a word that begins with a vowel. For example, instead of the simple and accepted "I saw it" an English person will say, "I sawr it." They say they do this because it sounds better but it doesn't change the fact that they are adding a letter that is NOT there! But being a Kentuckian I must confess I have no right to lecture others on proper pronounciation. Our dialect is so peculiar we can barely understand each other. Kindergarten is "kidneygarden". Flower is "flier". Do you want to is "Y'ont to?". Wolf is "woof". Pool is "Poo". Kentuckians aren't very fond of Ls. "The kidneygardener took a poo in the poo and it don't smell like fliers. Y'ont ta clean it up?" Whew. Plus, I think British accents are cute and would hate to see them change. So, unlike Henry Higgins, I am not too concerned with why the English can't learn to speak. I'm more concerned with why the English can't learn to feel.

What got me on this topic is that I was persuaded by my friend Marisa to watch Pride and Prejudice (the Colin Firth version. Mmmmmmm. Colin Firth. I'd love for that big Englishman to just rip off my clothes, throw me on the kitchen table and "plant his flag.") Ahem. But I digress. Throughout this film (and every other Jane Austen book based film which are all pretty much the same) I discovered something that just...perplexes me and quite frankly irritates me. That something is the complete and total lack of passion. A proposal in such a film/book usually consists of someone standing all sour-faced with straight as an ironing board posture calmly declaring, "Over the past few months when I frequented your estate, dear madam I have grown to hold an admiration for you and, dare I say, even love. Due to this recent development in events I think it is only logical that we should engage in the act of marrying. What are your sentiments on this matter, may I ask?" Wow. Calm down there tiger. You're getting way too worked up. In matters of anger there is even LESS emotion. "Good God, that fellow is rather cheeky, I must say. We shall never invite that chap to tea again." Even today England is reported to be one of the countries that shows the least amount of affection in public and even in discourse they enjoy keeping distance between them and the individual they are having a conversation with. I'm not saying this just from experience. It was a matter discussed in a culture class as well. The French and even some Latinos engage in the act of kissing on the cheek. Certain cultures in the middle east are practically up on each other when they talk. But not the English. God forbid.

I'm not certain why this is. Perhaps it's the whole island thing. "I am a rock. I am an island cause a rock feels no pain and an island never cries." Good ol' Simon and Garfunkle. Or perhaps it's because of all the invasions they've endured where all their strong men were slaughtered and all their beautiful and vivacious women were stolen and taken away. These series of tragic events might explain their lack of passion...and trust just as America being Europe's garbage can might explain our lack of good sense and moral character. But you make the best of what you got. It's just difficult for Americans to understand the English's way of dealing with matters of the heart. I do not doubt that they possess a vast reservoir of emotion. I have some friends from England who have done a fine job demonstrating this. What Americans cannot comprehend though is why the English find expressing these emotions so difficult. Expressing emotion is not something we have a hard time with. Containing it is where we run into trouble.

America: How dare Japan attack one of our military targets. Let's go drop some atomic bombs on their cities full of innocent women and children. That'll show them!

America: God I hate Vietnam! Argh! Let's just burn this motherfucker down. JUST BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN! Hand me some of that Agent Orange shit.

America: Excuse me, cashier? That tea should not be that expensive.
Cashier: English sales tax, sir.
America: This is some fucking bullshit! Where's my damn gun?! Lobster back motherfuckers think they can tax me? HA!

Yes. America has no problem with emotions (expressing them that is.)

One of my exes was British and he always enjoyed doing impersonations of the dialogue that occurs during English sex. "Is that nice? Yes? It is? Very well then. Should I continue? Yes? Very well then. This is very nice indeed." I know he was merely joking but to every joke there is always a kernel of truth. I was with him for 6 months and to this day I am still not certain whether he ever truly cared for me at all. He was so friggin English with his emotions it was hard for me to know where I stood. Today he might pine for me every waking moment of his life or if when someone mentions my name he might genuinely go, "April? Who's that?" Neither result would surprise me. It's no wonder arranged marriages were so popular in England for so long. I doubt anything would have gotten started and/or resolved if it were left up to the individual's ability to express emotion and feeling.

However, I am given hope by the vast majority of my English friends that emotion is starting to be felt and even embraced in our generation. Perhaps within the next 50 years or so England might be on par with America's ability to express emotion. Can you imagine it? America and England, two of the most powerful and influential countries in the world, whirling about in a flurry of uninhibited emotion. It would be fantastic! It would be glorious! It would be the Apacolypse! It would...hmmm. Maybe you should hold off on that whole developing emotions thing, England. I mean, one of us has to have some sense, right?